I think this is the term for bitchy men. Grouches.
Men get grouchy. It's not our fault. We need to vent too.
Especially when we are in pain, things don't go our way, there is discontent, we don't feel up to it...
True, the world does not owe us. But we grouch in our own world too. If you want to intrude into my grouchy world, don't complain about my grouchiness.
You have been warned.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Monday, July 09, 2007
Sodium Sulphite and Maggots
A doctor friend told me this.
An old man was admitted into the hospital and, among other things, had his penis infested with maggots.
The nurses and doctors tried to remove the maggots, alternating between trying to pick the maggots off the organ one by one or attempting mass murder. They just wanted to clean the wound up, never mind the maggots or the penis that they had to handle.
Then this visiting doctor from a third world country came in and ordered the infested penis to be flushed with sodium sulphite solution.
As this was done, the remaining maggots were flushed out and the entire wound was washed clean.
Modesty in a hospital is overrated and the work of the medical professionals under-appreciated. Here's to all the doctors, nurses and health care providers - a huge thank you!
An old man was admitted into the hospital and, among other things, had his penis infested with maggots.
The nurses and doctors tried to remove the maggots, alternating between trying to pick the maggots off the organ one by one or attempting mass murder. They just wanted to clean the wound up, never mind the maggots or the penis that they had to handle.
Then this visiting doctor from a third world country came in and ordered the infested penis to be flushed with sodium sulphite solution.
As this was done, the remaining maggots were flushed out and the entire wound was washed clean.
Modesty in a hospital is overrated and the work of the medical professionals under-appreciated. Here's to all the doctors, nurses and health care providers - a huge thank you!
Sunday, July 08, 2007
Live Earth
DROP DEAD, Al Gore.
If the world means anything at all to anyone at all, then how would a concert around the world be of any use to helping lessen "global destruction"? That concert is global destruction at its best.
You and your harebrained ideas and supporters have just made the world worse off.
I think people with eyes and brains and see and think for themselves what the Live Earth concert has achieved. I have lots more to say. But to give it any more space on this blog is an insult to the very institution of Blogspot, a place where people like us blog to death on computers so that we can use up the world's resources.
And with you and your cronies and wannabes trying to use up our resources much faster by having a round the world concert, this is not making me happy. At all. You are in direct competition to whatever little we have left. And we do things to right our distrubed selves. You do things to boost your ego, blow your trumpet.
Oh, before I seal the fate of this entry, when I saw the hologram of you, Al Stupido, I realised that maybe that's what in your mind all along. Nothing but flashes of light. That's why a dim idea like this came about.
On behalf on all the rest of the fellow unbelievers and disaffected population, we don't need your moralising how this world should be. We are happy to live in the hell we've jointly created. If you are not happy, migrate to the moon. Or Mercury. Or the sun. Too hot? Go in the night.
Don't pretend that your actions can turn the purgatory, which you probably had a bigger hand in creating than most of us, into a heaven. It won't happen until the devils migrate.
If the world means anything at all to anyone at all, then how would a concert around the world be of any use to helping lessen "global destruction"? That concert is global destruction at its best.
You and your harebrained ideas and supporters have just made the world worse off.
I think people with eyes and brains and see and think for themselves what the Live Earth concert has achieved. I have lots more to say. But to give it any more space on this blog is an insult to the very institution of Blogspot, a place where people like us blog to death on computers so that we can use up the world's resources.
And with you and your cronies and wannabes trying to use up our resources much faster by having a round the world concert, this is not making me happy. At all. You are in direct competition to whatever little we have left. And we do things to right our distrubed selves. You do things to boost your ego, blow your trumpet.
Oh, before I seal the fate of this entry, when I saw the hologram of you, Al Stupido, I realised that maybe that's what in your mind all along. Nothing but flashes of light. That's why a dim idea like this came about.
On behalf on all the rest of the fellow unbelievers and disaffected population, we don't need your moralising how this world should be. We are happy to live in the hell we've jointly created. If you are not happy, migrate to the moon. Or Mercury. Or the sun. Too hot? Go in the night.
Don't pretend that your actions can turn the purgatory, which you probably had a bigger hand in creating than most of us, into a heaven. It won't happen until the devils migrate.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Eight More Things About Me
Stern tagged me with this meme. And I am supposed to tell you eight (more) things about me. Apparently, it can be facts or habits. So here goes.
1. I always padlock the door in the same direction so I would not have a hard time deciding which direction my key has to be on when I try to let myself in or out of the house.
2. Many single parts are greater than the whole. I like to have my food on their own, especially when I'm having a meal. So mashed potatoes and chicken chop served on the same plate beside each other is fine; one on top of the other is NOT. I love to eat buns with fillings separately - buns first, fillings later. I hate it when I eat at a Chinese rice stall and they lump together my choice of dishes to go with rice. I like to savour the items discretely.
3. I read too widely but without much depth. I cannot find enough interest to delve into in-depth reading unless the contents can really command my attention. That is why I have a lot of novels but very few of them finished. I normally can't get past Chapter 1.
4. I am disinclined towards sports. I used to be a shot-putter during my primary school days. I was even a gold medal winner in the school games. But I gave it up after that because the training hours were simply too long and I didn't think much of a sport tossing a metal ball. (And then going after it to pick it back, only to toss it out again.) My secondary school Science teacher in charge of sprints offered to train me for century dashes. I was portly then and so I asked her if I should barrel down the lane. She said I had potential because I had strong legs. Incidentally, my secondary school Chinese teacher said the same thing when he tried to recruit me for shot putt. I turned both down. I so am not going to devote hours on end training, at the expense of my school work. These days, I only indulge in spectator sports.
5. Opinions in general don't mean much to me anymore, not unless they can change outcomes. Everyone has an opinion about something or someone. But nothing would change that thing or person until either someone makes a move to induce change or some larger event comes along causes change. Otherwise, opinions are like self-generated unwelcome judgements. Let me know if the opinions are related to me. Otherwise, keep them to yourselves, thank you. There is no place for timewasting on wagermongering. Oh, by the way, don't bother ask me for my opinion if you (i) don't believe me, (ii) won't listen to my suggestions or act as you are told, (iii) think you are very clever, (iv) don't want a solution. Tell me you just need me to listen to you. And I can do that very well.
6. I am partial to nature where water exists. Believe me when I tell you that the South China Sea water is different from the Malacca Straits water. And that the Pacific, Atlantic and Indian Oceans are different. Sheer rocks and forests do nothing for me unless there is water. That's why Norway, with its fjords, is such an allure to me.
7. I prefer the American way of cutting to the chase rather than the British way of euphemistic hypocrisy. Tell me what you don't like and we can move on from here. Don't tell me "oh, it's all right" when deep inside you, you are hating every moment of it. I'm learning too. How do the Yankees do it? Simple: "I don't like where this is going. Can we change a topic, please?"
8. I am not easily characterised. Nothing in these 8 things will stay constant long enough to typify me. Sooner or later, things will change and I will need to write even more things about me.
I will not attempt pass this meme to 8 people. I shall let those game enough to divulge a little of themselves take up the challenge and let me know they have done it. I am not being a spoilsport here but the wonders of the blog is such that we are always sharing a bit of us each time we write.
Thank you, nonetheless, to T. F. Stern, who has tagged me. This is a man I have grown to appreciate and respect for the honest to goodness values that he holds true to his heart. I read he's going to be "taking some time off for repairs". I hope he comes back good as new. I believe it would be my honour and great fortune if I get to meet him this life.
1. I always padlock the door in the same direction so I would not have a hard time deciding which direction my key has to be on when I try to let myself in or out of the house.
2. Many single parts are greater than the whole. I like to have my food on their own, especially when I'm having a meal. So mashed potatoes and chicken chop served on the same plate beside each other is fine; one on top of the other is NOT. I love to eat buns with fillings separately - buns first, fillings later. I hate it when I eat at a Chinese rice stall and they lump together my choice of dishes to go with rice. I like to savour the items discretely.
3. I read too widely but without much depth. I cannot find enough interest to delve into in-depth reading unless the contents can really command my attention. That is why I have a lot of novels but very few of them finished. I normally can't get past Chapter 1.
4. I am disinclined towards sports. I used to be a shot-putter during my primary school days. I was even a gold medal winner in the school games. But I gave it up after that because the training hours were simply too long and I didn't think much of a sport tossing a metal ball. (And then going after it to pick it back, only to toss it out again.) My secondary school Science teacher in charge of sprints offered to train me for century dashes. I was portly then and so I asked her if I should barrel down the lane. She said I had potential because I had strong legs. Incidentally, my secondary school Chinese teacher said the same thing when he tried to recruit me for shot putt. I turned both down. I so am not going to devote hours on end training, at the expense of my school work. These days, I only indulge in spectator sports.
5. Opinions in general don't mean much to me anymore, not unless they can change outcomes. Everyone has an opinion about something or someone. But nothing would change that thing or person until either someone makes a move to induce change or some larger event comes along causes change. Otherwise, opinions are like self-generated unwelcome judgements. Let me know if the opinions are related to me. Otherwise, keep them to yourselves, thank you. There is no place for timewasting on wagermongering. Oh, by the way, don't bother ask me for my opinion if you (i) don't believe me, (ii) won't listen to my suggestions or act as you are told, (iii) think you are very clever, (iv) don't want a solution. Tell me you just need me to listen to you. And I can do that very well.
6. I am partial to nature where water exists. Believe me when I tell you that the South China Sea water is different from the Malacca Straits water. And that the Pacific, Atlantic and Indian Oceans are different. Sheer rocks and forests do nothing for me unless there is water. That's why Norway, with its fjords, is such an allure to me.
7. I prefer the American way of cutting to the chase rather than the British way of euphemistic hypocrisy. Tell me what you don't like and we can move on from here. Don't tell me "oh, it's all right" when deep inside you, you are hating every moment of it. I'm learning too. How do the Yankees do it? Simple: "I don't like where this is going. Can we change a topic, please?"
8. I am not easily characterised. Nothing in these 8 things will stay constant long enough to typify me. Sooner or later, things will change and I will need to write even more things about me.
I will not attempt pass this meme to 8 people. I shall let those game enough to divulge a little of themselves take up the challenge and let me know they have done it. I am not being a spoilsport here but the wonders of the blog is such that we are always sharing a bit of us each time we write.
Thank you, nonetheless, to T. F. Stern, who has tagged me. This is a man I have grown to appreciate and respect for the honest to goodness values that he holds true to his heart. I read he's going to be "taking some time off for repairs". I hope he comes back good as new. I believe it would be my honour and great fortune if I get to meet him this life.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
In Pursuit of Simpler Pleasures
I no longer dream of pursuing simple pleasures because I have come to realise that living in Singapore, there is not such thing as a simple pleasure.
There is no way to sit at a cafe and watch the world go by any more. The handphone will go off. You will be assaulted by people wanting your seats. If you are in an al fresco area, you will eventually wilt or die of lung cancer inhaling second hand smoke.
There is no way to visit a library and have a simple afternoon among the printed pieces of processed tree bark. Kids running around screaming and their parents not caring, lack of bibliography satisfying my esoteric interests, stinking - yes, stinking - atmosphere... I wonder the last but the library stinks of stale sweat, smelly feet and other malodours.
Sit by the beach? The heat is unbearable and I hate it when the sand sticks on our bodies, especially the humidity makes us all warm and sticky.
Any place you think of, I could probably tell you the problems with that place.
So what now? In pursuing the simpler pleasures, I learn to appreciate the slowness of things. Not everything has to be fast. Sometimes, when something comes along slowly, learn to maximise the time eked out from waiting.
Watch more TV. Read a book. Cook something. Experiment with new flavours, new cooking techniques, new cooking ingredients.
Pretend to be busy doing nothing. Or just do nothing.
Catch the occasional breeze and enjoy nature's offering.
Chat on the computer with a internet friend.
Be thankful for whatever time that you can find away from work.
It makes me happier.
There is no way to sit at a cafe and watch the world go by any more. The handphone will go off. You will be assaulted by people wanting your seats. If you are in an al fresco area, you will eventually wilt or die of lung cancer inhaling second hand smoke.
There is no way to visit a library and have a simple afternoon among the printed pieces of processed tree bark. Kids running around screaming and their parents not caring, lack of bibliography satisfying my esoteric interests, stinking - yes, stinking - atmosphere... I wonder the last but the library stinks of stale sweat, smelly feet and other malodours.
Sit by the beach? The heat is unbearable and I hate it when the sand sticks on our bodies, especially the humidity makes us all warm and sticky.
Any place you think of, I could probably tell you the problems with that place.
So what now? In pursuing the simpler pleasures, I learn to appreciate the slowness of things. Not everything has to be fast. Sometimes, when something comes along slowly, learn to maximise the time eked out from waiting.
Watch more TV. Read a book. Cook something. Experiment with new flavours, new cooking techniques, new cooking ingredients.
Pretend to be busy doing nothing. Or just do nothing.
Catch the occasional breeze and enjoy nature's offering.
Chat on the computer with a internet friend.
Be thankful for whatever time that you can find away from work.
It makes me happier.
231 years and counting...
America celebrates 231 years of independence today.
To my readers from America, Happy Independence Day!
To my readers from America, Happy Independence Day!
Report Card
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied. "It's not polite."
"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girl says triumphantly, “I know why you and daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Writing as a refuge
I used to love the certainty of the written form. It is there. You write what you think. Or at least I thought so.
I am not so certain now. The written form betrays you worse than the spoken form. You are held to task for time immemorial because you have provided concrete, existential proof - in writing.
Writing used to provide an opportunity to create your own reality. It is a mode where I could unload my thoughts and ideas, ramblings and grumblings, praises and compliments, complaints and insults on a free form canvass.
Yes, the medium used to be free-form - how one fills up a piece of plain paper with words is really freeplay. Our minds are what restrained our expression. I used to frown on fanciful writing - I still do, I guess - and proper writing should be in neat lines across the page. I doubt I'll change in the near future, or at all. That's why blogging is fine by me. The form is what I have internalised and accepted.
But with the advent of computing media but without the rapid, contemporary development of freeplay functions that a freehand pen-writer can perform in physical writing, computers have further constrained our flair for "showmanship".
Yes, we vary our form but it is not as easy as before to choose a free form of expression. Like rows of words on a keyboard, our words are reined in to form neat rows.
Writing used to be a harmless outlet to vent. Now people get into trouble for venting. The refuge is no longer.
Now I even feel like finding a refuge from my refuge - I have been under a lot of pressure recently as there is a major project requiring extensive reading and writing. Writing has become a tiring chore.
I am not so certain now. The written form betrays you worse than the spoken form. You are held to task for time immemorial because you have provided concrete, existential proof - in writing.
Writing used to provide an opportunity to create your own reality. It is a mode where I could unload my thoughts and ideas, ramblings and grumblings, praises and compliments, complaints and insults on a free form canvass.
Yes, the medium used to be free-form - how one fills up a piece of plain paper with words is really freeplay. Our minds are what restrained our expression. I used to frown on fanciful writing - I still do, I guess - and proper writing should be in neat lines across the page. I doubt I'll change in the near future, or at all. That's why blogging is fine by me. The form is what I have internalised and accepted.
But with the advent of computing media but without the rapid, contemporary development of freeplay functions that a freehand pen-writer can perform in physical writing, computers have further constrained our flair for "showmanship".
Yes, we vary our form but it is not as easy as before to choose a free form of expression. Like rows of words on a keyboard, our words are reined in to form neat rows.
Writing used to be a harmless outlet to vent. Now people get into trouble for venting. The refuge is no longer.
Now I even feel like finding a refuge from my refuge - I have been under a lot of pressure recently as there is a major project requiring extensive reading and writing. Writing has become a tiring chore.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Birth Order of Children
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (a kid's favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (a kid's favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance.
Flying The Unfriendly Skies
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite"
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses"
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to Thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport after it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"
5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite"
10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses"
13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo .. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to Thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport after it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Monday, June 18, 2007
So, now what?
De Volkskrant, 5 Jun 07
Schipol Airport and Air France-KLM want a different ecotax to the one proposed by the government for air traffic. They wrote a letter to the government on the subject last Friday.
As in the government’s plans, in the proposal presented by Schiphol and Air France-KLM, the airlines will pay for the volume of CO2 they emit. The difference is that the money, a sum of roughly 350 million euro a year, would not go to the government but would be invested directly in environmental projects in developing countries. ‘That will produce a greater environmental return,’ said Schiphol’s spokesman.
KLM is already involved in a project in Kenya, where together with Coca-Cola and Rolls Royce it is planting 120,000 trees near Nairobi.
It never ceases to amaze me how some people ennoble themselves and so bloody righteously elevate their pathetic existences on pedestals. Of course, I had just written to Old Whig's blog if anyone
"Ever wondered why there is a penal code but without an accompanying moral code?
I suppose immorality and amorality should not be criminalised unless they harm others.
I also do not subscribe to the notion of "morality" because there is no standard to measure it."
Still, what would Nairobi need 120 000 trees for? Another safari?
By the way, what use is there if "environmental projects in developing countries" translate into tree planting? If the farmers there practice slash-and-burn agriculture, the trees could be chopped down and burnt to make way for agriculture.
Oh, maybe people are trying to stem the losses of trees by planting others for farmers to chop down. Or what?
The trees will also hamper land development. Oh, how noble. People are trying to teach developing countries the perils of development, so in order to stem further development, they put in trees as barriers. Is that really it?
Maybe these are fruit trees. Yes, the likes of cherries, apples, oranges, grapefruit, avocado, olives, figs, apricots, prunes... the wonders of life. The trees will bear so much fruit that these developing countries can become fruit exporting countries, freeing the developed nations to pursue other activities such as flying more aeroplanes, driving more cars, burning more fuel to add more pollutants to the air.
But growing fruit trees in dustbowls? Will these even thrive or are we merely planting hardy shrubs to stem the desert from encroaching into agricultural land?
That's it! It must have used so much thought and consideration to attenpt to use such noble techniques of preserving precious little agricultural land for the developing countries under seige by nature.
Perhaps by burning less fuel, these countries would have survived very well without those additional shrubs.
So, now what?
This blogger is anti-conservation because he believes that the only way Earth can get better is to first make it worse. This blogger also loves to watch House.
Schipol Airport and Air France-KLM want a different ecotax to the one proposed by the government for air traffic. They wrote a letter to the government on the subject last Friday.
As in the government’s plans, in the proposal presented by Schiphol and Air France-KLM, the airlines will pay for the volume of CO2 they emit. The difference is that the money, a sum of roughly 350 million euro a year, would not go to the government but would be invested directly in environmental projects in developing countries. ‘That will produce a greater environmental return,’ said Schiphol’s spokesman.
KLM is already involved in a project in Kenya, where together with Coca-Cola and Rolls Royce it is planting 120,000 trees near Nairobi.
It never ceases to amaze me how some people ennoble themselves and so bloody righteously elevate their pathetic existences on pedestals. Of course, I had just written to Old Whig's blog if anyone
"Ever wondered why there is a penal code but without an accompanying moral code?
I suppose immorality and amorality should not be criminalised unless they harm others.
I also do not subscribe to the notion of "morality" because there is no standard to measure it."
Still, what would Nairobi need 120 000 trees for? Another safari?
By the way, what use is there if "environmental projects in developing countries" translate into tree planting? If the farmers there practice slash-and-burn agriculture, the trees could be chopped down and burnt to make way for agriculture.
Oh, maybe people are trying to stem the losses of trees by planting others for farmers to chop down. Or what?
The trees will also hamper land development. Oh, how noble. People are trying to teach developing countries the perils of development, so in order to stem further development, they put in trees as barriers. Is that really it?
Maybe these are fruit trees. Yes, the likes of cherries, apples, oranges, grapefruit, avocado, olives, figs, apricots, prunes... the wonders of life. The trees will bear so much fruit that these developing countries can become fruit exporting countries, freeing the developed nations to pursue other activities such as flying more aeroplanes, driving more cars, burning more fuel to add more pollutants to the air.
But growing fruit trees in dustbowls? Will these even thrive or are we merely planting hardy shrubs to stem the desert from encroaching into agricultural land?
That's it! It must have used so much thought and consideration to attenpt to use such noble techniques of preserving precious little agricultural land for the developing countries under seige by nature.
Perhaps by burning less fuel, these countries would have survived very well without those additional shrubs.
So, now what?
This blogger is anti-conservation because he believes that the only way Earth can get better is to first make it worse. This blogger also loves to watch House.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
I want to feel something...
Because of you I never stray too far of the sidewalk.
Because of you I learn to play on the safe side so that I don't get hurt.
Because of you I learn to play on the safe side so that I don't get hurt.
Monday, June 11, 2007
I'm a bear who can throw a bitch fit.
I want to thank Quinsy for bestowing that title on me.
I now wait with bated for my sash and crown. I hope the sash is wide enough for me to put my head and my arm through it. I hope my head is big enough for the winner's crown. Or rather, I hope the crown is big enough for my head and there are enough diamonds embedded in it.
I'll hold my sceptre and sit on my throne. And whoever comes by and say something stupid, I'll hit them with my sceptre.
I'm sure I'll win consecutive pageants. So might as well also crown me Miss Bitchiverse 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013,... before I throw another bitch fit.
I now wait with bated for my sash and crown. I hope the sash is wide enough for me to put my head and my arm through it. I hope my head is big enough for the winner's crown. Or rather, I hope the crown is big enough for my head and there are enough diamonds embedded in it.
I'll hold my sceptre and sit on my throne. And whoever comes by and say something stupid, I'll hit them with my sceptre.
I'm sure I'll win consecutive pageants. So might as well also crown me Miss Bitchiverse 2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013,... before I throw another bitch fit.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Life's Not Fair
I read with indignance the parent who wrote on the child's behalf that junior, having scored A, B, E and a C for General Paper, could not make the cut for a local university.
My only advice: GET A LIFE.
It's just too bad that life deals you with this lousy hand.
I have had my share of lousy hands and honestly, many things suck big time in my life.
Do my parents write to the press and complain that with almost straight As, I didn't get a more prestigious scholarship? Duh!
This is life. Even at work, you are bypassed for the one with the right pedigree, the right connections, the right timing, the right placement, the right opportunities, the right...
There are so many variables. Not making to university is not the end of the world.
Try again next year. In any case, A, B, E, C tell a story. C for GP suggests below average but passable writing abilities - so study what? Arts and Social Sciences? Can't write essays.
I don't know what the A and B are in. Suppose they are some science-based subjects. Then Science and Engineering faculties are too competitive. Even if you make it in by a whisker, be prepared to repeat cos the courses are likely to be too challenging. I've seen a senior repeat MA 103 - Analysis 1 (mathematics) enough times for me to cringe. She was a year my senior and still doing the course (first year module required for graduation) when I'm in my 4th Semester.
Medicine, Pharmacy and Dentistry are out. Eh, this is not north enough where you can expect places to be reserved for the people of the land even if their results are less than spectacular!
So what's left? Try A levels again or find other universities.
I am a wet blanket and rightly so. But I will also tell you that my friends up north also didn't make it to the prestigious courses of their choice because there is a quota for the people of the land. They ended up doing what was second or third choices. Others also didn't make it because of quota, not because they were not good enough.
In this case, the rejections were on the grounds on merit and interviews. There is at least some form of transparency.
Oh yes. This brings me to another letter who talked about some applicant with straight As not making Pharmacy. The interview is very important. If some unkempt guy walks into an interview room and he does not have behaviour or temperament suited for Pharmacy, are you going to take him or are you going to offer the place to someone else? I think the choice is clear. Straight A people may not make doctors because they may have less than desirable character traits or the also show glimpses of undesirable bed side manners. Some things that you know from your experience that cannot be changed by education or training.
So what is my point? A few points really and I'm not giving my all since the 7 points may already cause some people to rue for the whole week.
1. Life ain't fair. If you can't take it, go suck shit.
2. If God gives you lemons, make the best lemonade possible.
3. Your child is ordinary. If s/he's special, s/he needs help. Otherwise, s/he is not the king/queen of the world. (Think about it. Even Elizabeth II is only Queen of Britain.)
4. No one owes you or your child a living. If you are not good enough, stand aside. Otherwise, do something to become better.
5. The best of the best need not get the best of anything available. Take it or leave it.
6. If you have time to complain, you should have used the time to do a better job in the first place.
7. If you think you're good, someone's better and s/he's out there.
I think I am bloody qualified to make those points above because I have internalised them, some the hard way.
My only advice: GET A LIFE.
It's just too bad that life deals you with this lousy hand.
I have had my share of lousy hands and honestly, many things suck big time in my life.
Do my parents write to the press and complain that with almost straight As, I didn't get a more prestigious scholarship? Duh!
This is life. Even at work, you are bypassed for the one with the right pedigree, the right connections, the right timing, the right placement, the right opportunities, the right...
There are so many variables. Not making to university is not the end of the world.
Try again next year. In any case, A, B, E, C tell a story. C for GP suggests below average but passable writing abilities - so study what? Arts and Social Sciences? Can't write essays.
I don't know what the A and B are in. Suppose they are some science-based subjects. Then Science and Engineering faculties are too competitive. Even if you make it in by a whisker, be prepared to repeat cos the courses are likely to be too challenging. I've seen a senior repeat MA 103 - Analysis 1 (mathematics) enough times for me to cringe. She was a year my senior and still doing the course (first year module required for graduation) when I'm in my 4th Semester.
Medicine, Pharmacy and Dentistry are out. Eh, this is not north enough where you can expect places to be reserved for the people of the land even if their results are less than spectacular!
So what's left? Try A levels again or find other universities.
I am a wet blanket and rightly so. But I will also tell you that my friends up north also didn't make it to the prestigious courses of their choice because there is a quota for the people of the land. They ended up doing what was second or third choices. Others also didn't make it because of quota, not because they were not good enough.
In this case, the rejections were on the grounds on merit and interviews. There is at least some form of transparency.
Oh yes. This brings me to another letter who talked about some applicant with straight As not making Pharmacy. The interview is very important. If some unkempt guy walks into an interview room and he does not have behaviour or temperament suited for Pharmacy, are you going to take him or are you going to offer the place to someone else? I think the choice is clear. Straight A people may not make doctors because they may have less than desirable character traits or the also show glimpses of undesirable bed side manners. Some things that you know from your experience that cannot be changed by education or training.
So what is my point? A few points really and I'm not giving my all since the 7 points may already cause some people to rue for the whole week.
1. Life ain't fair. If you can't take it, go suck shit.
2. If God gives you lemons, make the best lemonade possible.
3. Your child is ordinary. If s/he's special, s/he needs help. Otherwise, s/he is not the king/queen of the world. (Think about it. Even Elizabeth II is only Queen of Britain.)
4. No one owes you or your child a living. If you are not good enough, stand aside. Otherwise, do something to become better.
5. The best of the best need not get the best of anything available. Take it or leave it.
6. If you have time to complain, you should have used the time to do a better job in the first place.
7. If you think you're good, someone's better and s/he's out there.
I think I am bloody qualified to make those points above because I have internalised them, some the hard way.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Stingy Self-Righteous Slut
"I don't like to give her the red packet one."
"I'll give her clothes for the new year. But not the money."
"I tell everyone to pass her red packet to me. But they give it to her directly. They think I say for fun is it? I told them seriously to give the red packet to me."
"If she works very hard and puts in overtime, I may give her some extra, like $10. I won't give her the red packets one..."
"They should just give me the money and let me decide how I want to reward her accordingly."
How piercing, those words. Your maid is also a person. Chinese New Year is but an occasion where she will be getting her bonus for the year. Would you like it if your boss tells the company to pass him your bonus and he'll change it into clothes for you? Or give you a pathetic $10 when you work your ass off? How about as and when he decides to reward you for your work, he dispenses the booty accordingly?
My excellent dinner at Pizza Peperoni lost all its flavour.
"I'll give her clothes for the new year. But not the money."
"I tell everyone to pass her red packet to me. But they give it to her directly. They think I say for fun is it? I told them seriously to give the red packet to me."
"If she works very hard and puts in overtime, I may give her some extra, like $10. I won't give her the red packets one..."
"They should just give me the money and let me decide how I want to reward her accordingly."
How piercing, those words. Your maid is also a person. Chinese New Year is but an occasion where she will be getting her bonus for the year. Would you like it if your boss tells the company to pass him your bonus and he'll change it into clothes for you? Or give you a pathetic $10 when you work your ass off? How about as and when he decides to reward you for your work, he dispenses the booty accordingly?
My excellent dinner at Pizza Peperoni lost all its flavour.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
How I Intend to Win Miss Universe
Tongue-in-cheek entry. Not to be taken seriously.
Controversy controversy controversy. Miss Universe 2007 is fraught with controversies, ranging from a bald Miss Tanzania, a slipped-and-fallen Miss USA, Miss Brazil's politically incorrect dress to Miss Sweden withdrawal. To top it all off, Japan contestant who won Miss Universe had tiara fall off.
So Mr Trump's show does not look that good this year indeed. Must have been a bad year for him even though he won the hair match at WWE. So, how do I intend to win Miss Universe?
Simple.
Step number 1.
Go for extreme makeover. After extensive liposuction and lipid re-allocation, I should be able to pull of a Pamela Anderson 46F - 18 - 36 figure. I'm sure I'll be the one that every one looks at and sigh.
Of course, the 18 inch waist needs maintenance. So the food will have to give.
Step number 2.
Go for laser hair removal. How can a hairy ape win Miss Universe? Enough said.
Step number 3.
Dermal abrasion and skin smoothening. This is important as the skin must look lusciously translucent if I want any hope of crushing the competition at all. The judges must think that if they blow on my delicate skin, the skin will just break open, like some well-made soup dumpling.
Step number 4.
Laser whitening. SKII whitening will not be enough. I am no Sammi Cheng. And I really don't want to risk looking like her after her SKII frolic. Her face was swollen, as though she had frog-faced emphysema. My clear skin must look real. The blemishes must be removed, like weeds uprooted! Spare no effort.
Step number 5.
Hair implants. I can't do a Miss Tanzania. It's been done before and is no longer original. But I've got the perfect idea for my new crowning glory. There will be black, red, auburn, brown, and blond hair mixed for transplant. And I'll have all colours of hair. This way, choosing me would be but a natural conclusion because all races are represented on my head. Of course, I'll bring along Singapore's favourite son David Gan to help me with my hair when I'm at the contest! Maybe after that, he can bring me to shop at Prada and Gucci and LV.
Step number 6.
Make sure the swimsuit fits like a glove. It must look as though it has been designed with the perfect Miss Universe in mind.
Step number 7.
National costume. It will have long tresses which flow but there will be a cheongsum like cut at the side so that I can flaunt my smooth and alluring legs. 6 inch heels are necessary. Anti-skid - think Miss USA. And it will be satiny at the ass area so that it can slide on and off my pert buns with immaculate ease. There will be a swan head attached to the waist area a la Bjork, and the swan's head extends to and rests on my shoulder. My swan will carry an olive branch, signifying peace to the world. Why talk world peace when you can show it? A picture is worth a thousand words, no?
Step number 8.
Night gown segment. Ok, first, look young motherly. Miss Universe must exude some form of mature feminity amidst youthful charm. She must never look as though she is some sex-starved 'ho (thanks, Don Imus!) who can't wait to eat up the little boys leading her down the stage. And then learn to swirl in the night-gown. I think ballroom bootcamp will help.
Step number 9.
Bring underwire to prop up the 46F grapefruits. Or will they be cataloupes? On the actual day, the boobs must look as though they are ready to crack a few walnuts. They must be hard as steel ball bearings but still look soft and welcoming to the eyes. They can't touch them though.
Step number 10.
Having won Miss Body Beautiful, Miss Lovely Hair, Miss Congeniality (hey, that's a given. I'm not called the royal bitch for nothing!), I must clap happily and congratulate the winner for the national costume. Hey, you don't think my shit taste is going to get me anywhere are you? In fact, I'll hug the winner while I penknife a few slits in her dress. How's that for Miss Congeniality?
Step number 11.
Having made the Final 3, one of us will be Miss Universe. The question will be, what do you think is the most important thing Miss Universe must have. The contest is rigged. So this is only to be expected.
My answer: I'll slide off my evening gown showing my swimsuit. Then I'll peel off the bottom part of the bikini. And I'll say, "Miss Universe must have BALLS." Turn around and show the other finalists.
Both finalists would have fainted by now. Who's left but me for Miss Universe?
Controversy controversy controversy. Miss Universe 2007 is fraught with controversies, ranging from a bald Miss Tanzania, a slipped-and-fallen Miss USA, Miss Brazil's politically incorrect dress to Miss Sweden withdrawal. To top it all off, Japan contestant who won Miss Universe had tiara fall off.
So Mr Trump's show does not look that good this year indeed. Must have been a bad year for him even though he won the hair match at WWE. So, how do I intend to win Miss Universe?
Simple.
Step number 1.
Go for extreme makeover. After extensive liposuction and lipid re-allocation, I should be able to pull of a Pamela Anderson 46F - 18 - 36 figure. I'm sure I'll be the one that every one looks at and sigh.
Of course, the 18 inch waist needs maintenance. So the food will have to give.
Step number 2.
Go for laser hair removal. How can a hairy ape win Miss Universe? Enough said.
Step number 3.
Dermal abrasion and skin smoothening. This is important as the skin must look lusciously translucent if I want any hope of crushing the competition at all. The judges must think that if they blow on my delicate skin, the skin will just break open, like some well-made soup dumpling.
Step number 4.
Laser whitening. SKII whitening will not be enough. I am no Sammi Cheng. And I really don't want to risk looking like her after her SKII frolic. Her face was swollen, as though she had frog-faced emphysema. My clear skin must look real. The blemishes must be removed, like weeds uprooted! Spare no effort.
Step number 5.
Hair implants. I can't do a Miss Tanzania. It's been done before and is no longer original. But I've got the perfect idea for my new crowning glory. There will be black, red, auburn, brown, and blond hair mixed for transplant. And I'll have all colours of hair. This way, choosing me would be but a natural conclusion because all races are represented on my head. Of course, I'll bring along Singapore's favourite son David Gan to help me with my hair when I'm at the contest! Maybe after that, he can bring me to shop at Prada and Gucci and LV.
Step number 6.
Make sure the swimsuit fits like a glove. It must look as though it has been designed with the perfect Miss Universe in mind.
Step number 7.
National costume. It will have long tresses which flow but there will be a cheongsum like cut at the side so that I can flaunt my smooth and alluring legs. 6 inch heels are necessary. Anti-skid - think Miss USA. And it will be satiny at the ass area so that it can slide on and off my pert buns with immaculate ease. There will be a swan head attached to the waist area a la Bjork, and the swan's head extends to and rests on my shoulder. My swan will carry an olive branch, signifying peace to the world. Why talk world peace when you can show it? A picture is worth a thousand words, no?
Step number 8.
Night gown segment. Ok, first, look young motherly. Miss Universe must exude some form of mature feminity amidst youthful charm. She must never look as though she is some sex-starved 'ho (thanks, Don Imus!) who can't wait to eat up the little boys leading her down the stage. And then learn to swirl in the night-gown. I think ballroom bootcamp will help.
Step number 9.
Bring underwire to prop up the 46F grapefruits. Or will they be cataloupes? On the actual day, the boobs must look as though they are ready to crack a few walnuts. They must be hard as steel ball bearings but still look soft and welcoming to the eyes. They can't touch them though.
Step number 10.
Having won Miss Body Beautiful, Miss Lovely Hair, Miss Congeniality (hey, that's a given. I'm not called the royal bitch for nothing!), I must clap happily and congratulate the winner for the national costume. Hey, you don't think my shit taste is going to get me anywhere are you? In fact, I'll hug the winner while I penknife a few slits in her dress. How's that for Miss Congeniality?
Step number 11.
Having made the Final 3, one of us will be Miss Universe. The question will be, what do you think is the most important thing Miss Universe must have. The contest is rigged. So this is only to be expected.
My answer: I'll slide off my evening gown showing my swimsuit. Then I'll peel off the bottom part of the bikini. And I'll say, "Miss Universe must have BALLS." Turn around and show the other finalists.
Both finalists would have fainted by now. Who's left but me for Miss Universe?
I close my eyes...
Wanted to write about some song. The first line was "I close my eyes". Then I realised so many songs had the line "I close my eyes" in it.
"I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain
To see for certain what I thought I knew
Far far away, someone was weeping
But the world was sleeping
Any dream will do"
- Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat
I close my eyes
and there in the shadows I see your light
You come to me out of my dreams across
the night
- For Always
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
- Broken Vow
Look at me I'm riding high
don't know what's wrong with me.
Can't you see I'm not the guy
that I pretend to be.
Though I know I will be lonely
but our love will never die
I close my eyes, everyday, I close my eyes.
Ah......
- I Close My Eyes
But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still I feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon
- Closed My Eyes
And many more.
Looks like song writers love to study the underside of their eyelids.
Wonder if there are any other phrases that we flogged to death like this one.
"I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain
To see for certain what I thought I knew
Far far away, someone was weeping
But the world was sleeping
Any dream will do"
- Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat
I close my eyes
and there in the shadows I see your light
You come to me out of my dreams across
the night
- For Always
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to love than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
- Broken Vow
Look at me I'm riding high
don't know what's wrong with me.
Can't you see I'm not the guy
that I pretend to be.
Though I know I will be lonely
but our love will never die
I close my eyes, everyday, I close my eyes.
Ah......
- I Close My Eyes
But I closed my eyes
Steadied my feet on the ground
Raised my head to the sky
And though time's rolled by
Still I feel like that child
As I look at the moon
Maybe I grew up a little too soon
- Closed My Eyes
And many more.
Looks like song writers love to study the underside of their eyelids.
Wonder if there are any other phrases that we flogged to death like this one.
ABCDEFG
Someone sent me a picture of a T-shirt with the print:
Do you know the meaning of ABCDEFG?
A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl.
Then do you know the meaning of GFEDCBA?
Girls Forget Everything Done & Catches new Boy Again.
Do you know the meaning of ABCDEFG?
A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl.
Then do you know the meaning of GFEDCBA?
Girls Forget Everything Done & Catches new Boy Again.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Watch out for that...
Tree
At least 3 (or is it 4) Singaporeans have been killed by falling branches. Ok, I know this sounds sick but when I heard of the first case, I went "George, George, George of the Jungle..." But ageing trees and blustery winds are perfect settings for disasters.
Truck
8 year old school boy walks into path of reversing truck at Simei MRT station. I used to live there till two years back and I've had enough instances to know that this was an accident waiting to happen. So the truck slams into his face and knocks him down, rear wheel running over his head. And the aunt taking the boy home from school banged on the lorry to tell the driver that he had knocked her nephew down. To compensate, the driver moved the lorry forward, running over the boy's head again. A military medic who tried to render first aid found no pulse and shallow breathing. A doctor who rushed to the scene said it was too late to do anything.
Mosquito
Dengue fever cases on the rise again. And an octagenarian died of dengue haemorrhagic shock. Clear out your stagnant water and dry the place of unwanted puddles to prevent the mozzies from reproducing. Prevention is the best medicine.
Stingray
At least one of Singapore reservoirs is believed to contain stingrays which were released into the water body by pet lovers when the fish grew too big for their tanks. But this is bad for us because Singapore is beginning to allow the use of reservoirs, our raw water collection and storage areas, for water sports in a bid to encourage healthy living. These rays, according to the newspapers, can deliver a sting bad enough where amputation may be necessary in some cases. Someone should fish them all out and sell them as food. I love them barbecued and slathered with lots of chilli!
Atomic bomb
US and other countries are beginning to worry about Iran's uranium enrichment programme. They believe Iran will have nuclear weapons in three years' time. I only hope that they can't make proper launchers so whatever they fire will fall onto themselves.
At least 3 (or is it 4) Singaporeans have been killed by falling branches. Ok, I know this sounds sick but when I heard of the first case, I went "George, George, George of the Jungle..." But ageing trees and blustery winds are perfect settings for disasters.
Truck
8 year old school boy walks into path of reversing truck at Simei MRT station. I used to live there till two years back and I've had enough instances to know that this was an accident waiting to happen. So the truck slams into his face and knocks him down, rear wheel running over his head. And the aunt taking the boy home from school banged on the lorry to tell the driver that he had knocked her nephew down. To compensate, the driver moved the lorry forward, running over the boy's head again. A military medic who tried to render first aid found no pulse and shallow breathing. A doctor who rushed to the scene said it was too late to do anything.
Mosquito
Dengue fever cases on the rise again. And an octagenarian died of dengue haemorrhagic shock. Clear out your stagnant water and dry the place of unwanted puddles to prevent the mozzies from reproducing. Prevention is the best medicine.
Stingray
At least one of Singapore reservoirs is believed to contain stingrays which were released into the water body by pet lovers when the fish grew too big for their tanks. But this is bad for us because Singapore is beginning to allow the use of reservoirs, our raw water collection and storage areas, for water sports in a bid to encourage healthy living. These rays, according to the newspapers, can deliver a sting bad enough where amputation may be necessary in some cases. Someone should fish them all out and sell them as food. I love them barbecued and slathered with lots of chilli!
Atomic bomb
US and other countries are beginning to worry about Iran's uranium enrichment programme. They believe Iran will have nuclear weapons in three years' time. I only hope that they can't make proper launchers so whatever they fire will fall onto themselves.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Number 500
This is my 500th post in this blog.
Amazing, isn't it? I recall the early days when I had weaponsofmathdestruction and was told to take it down because freedom of speech was not allowed in Sing... I mean in PRC... Well, that's the past, isn't it?
One can shut another but cannot stop another from thinking.
It is the thinkers who are the scary ones. Next comes those who speak without thinking.
In a way, words tend not to betray a person that much. Sentences do. Paragraphs help to set the context but context-setting is a hypocritical exercise of sorts.
I'm just glad I've come so far.
Looking forward to the next 500 posts.
Amazing, isn't it? I recall the early days when I had weaponsofmathdestruction and was told to take it down because freedom of speech was not allowed in Sing... I mean in PRC... Well, that's the past, isn't it?
One can shut another but cannot stop another from thinking.
It is the thinkers who are the scary ones. Next comes those who speak without thinking.
In a way, words tend not to betray a person that much. Sentences do. Paragraphs help to set the context but context-setting is a hypocritical exercise of sorts.
I'm just glad I've come so far.
Looking forward to the next 500 posts.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Both Tragic
"There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it."
George Bernard Shaw, "Man and Superman" (1903), act 4
Irish dramatist & socialist (1856 - 1950)
George Bernard Shaw, "Man and Superman" (1903), act 4
Irish dramatist & socialist (1856 - 1950)
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
This post is dedicated to my fellow blogger and friend, T F Stern. He asked about the song and gave me the inspiration to write this entry on my recent trip to Beijing.
Opening line of Katie Melua's song "Nine Million Bicycles".
There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact,
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die.
It's a love song. Poignant. One can't change facts but what happens when the facts of the past are now no longer relevant? Will it change the fact that "I will love you till I die"?
Beijing has undergone a lot of change since I did an immersion programme in the Beijing Capital University in 2002. There were probably nine million bicycles in Beijing then. I would know. It wouldn't be a surprise if someone on a bicycle knocked me down.
With the Beijing Olympics looming, the Chinese government has put in a lot of effort to modernise the city.
Xiushui Jie (Silk Street), a cul-de-sac lined with peddlers who specialise in imitation goods such as LV, Prada and so on, have become a thing of the past. The peddlers have been relocated into a 7 storey shopping centre. But if there is any consolation about change, the goods they sold are still real fakes.
Recently, the Chinese were fined for spitting. Anti-social behaviour is now punishable in China. Soon, very soon, the toilets are going to get doors and working flush cisterns.
We are twelve billion light years from the edge,
That's a guess,
No-one can ever say it's true
But I know that I will always be with you.
Beijing has about 15 months to the Olympics. Opening Ceremony is on 8 Aug 08. If you didn't know yet, you heard it here first. 08 - 08 - 08. Or 8 - 8 - 8. Fa, fa, fa! Prosper, prosper, prosper. Typically Chinese superstition.
Many parts of Beijing have been rebuilt. Former empty plots of land are occupied by skyscrapers. I didn't recall Beijing had a metro. The city now does have one. Terminal 3 of Beijing Capital Airport will be open soon to meet the needs of travellers. Expansion and construction are the order of the day.
The Beijing of the past is fading away as the traditionists are clutching to it like a drowning man to straws. The recent uproar over Starbucks operating out of a corner in the Forbidden City just shows how much Beijing has moved with the times. But who are we to dictate the pace of a city and how it wants to change itelf?
I'm warmed by the fire of your love everyday
So don't call me a liar,
Just believe everything that I say
China of today is no longer like the past. People I meet tell me that the Chinese have become very professional. The best talent of the country study in Beijing's top universities and then very likely stay on in the city after their graduaton. They are learned and many invariably speak English. I was told the old days of bribing the folks to get what you want are no longer in vogue.
Things have changed. Political will, as can be seen in the clamp down of the officials who embezzled the pension funds, cascades down the ranks and people are shaking in their pants. Crooked folks think twice before making a move. For all it takes is probably RMB 2 to end a life - the cost needed to buy a round to end a life by firing squad.
There are six billion people in the world
More or less
and it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all
A sixth of the six billion people in the world reside in China. It has tremendous potential to "take over the world". It is nothing negative.
The glorious past, the teeming present and the promising fusion juxtaposed in a single city. The modern five-star hotels flanking the regal, if antique, Imperial Palace in a city welcoming the future. China is at cross-roads. What baggage should they leave behind and what traditions should they bring along to the future? The constant struggle to mould a new identity to herald in a new beginning in the changing world yet remaining true to the virtuous inner being. To add an identity without losing the self.
The pursuit of the future but not disregarding the foundations which anchored them in the past. The money trail is becoming very pervasive. Today, I read in the papers that China's share market has become second largest in the world. The Chinese have billions of savings waiting to be invested.
So many things are changing outside while I contentedly cultivate my pearl in my oyster shell. But having made this trip, I do indeed feel quite small.
We're high on the wire
With the world in our sight
And I'll never tire,
Of the love that you give me every night
In a year or so, Beijing will have the whole world's eye trained on it for at least 2 to 3 weeks. Whether I liked the city or not is of no importance. The world changes and moves along. There is little we can do to change. Just like...
There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact,
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die
And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And you know that I will love you till I die!
Opening line of Katie Melua's song "Nine Million Bicycles".
There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact,
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die.
It's a love song. Poignant. One can't change facts but what happens when the facts of the past are now no longer relevant? Will it change the fact that "I will love you till I die"?
Beijing has undergone a lot of change since I did an immersion programme in the Beijing Capital University in 2002. There were probably nine million bicycles in Beijing then. I would know. It wouldn't be a surprise if someone on a bicycle knocked me down.
With the Beijing Olympics looming, the Chinese government has put in a lot of effort to modernise the city.
Xiushui Jie (Silk Street), a cul-de-sac lined with peddlers who specialise in imitation goods such as LV, Prada and so on, have become a thing of the past. The peddlers have been relocated into a 7 storey shopping centre. But if there is any consolation about change, the goods they sold are still real fakes.
Recently, the Chinese were fined for spitting. Anti-social behaviour is now punishable in China. Soon, very soon, the toilets are going to get doors and working flush cisterns.
We are twelve billion light years from the edge,
That's a guess,
No-one can ever say it's true
But I know that I will always be with you.
Beijing has about 15 months to the Olympics. Opening Ceremony is on 8 Aug 08. If you didn't know yet, you heard it here first. 08 - 08 - 08. Or 8 - 8 - 8. Fa, fa, fa! Prosper, prosper, prosper. Typically Chinese superstition.
Many parts of Beijing have been rebuilt. Former empty plots of land are occupied by skyscrapers. I didn't recall Beijing had a metro. The city now does have one. Terminal 3 of Beijing Capital Airport will be open soon to meet the needs of travellers. Expansion and construction are the order of the day.
The Beijing of the past is fading away as the traditionists are clutching to it like a drowning man to straws. The recent uproar over Starbucks operating out of a corner in the Forbidden City just shows how much Beijing has moved with the times. But who are we to dictate the pace of a city and how it wants to change itelf?
I'm warmed by the fire of your love everyday
So don't call me a liar,
Just believe everything that I say
China of today is no longer like the past. People I meet tell me that the Chinese have become very professional. The best talent of the country study in Beijing's top universities and then very likely stay on in the city after their graduaton. They are learned and many invariably speak English. I was told the old days of bribing the folks to get what you want are no longer in vogue.
Things have changed. Political will, as can be seen in the clamp down of the officials who embezzled the pension funds, cascades down the ranks and people are shaking in their pants. Crooked folks think twice before making a move. For all it takes is probably RMB 2 to end a life - the cost needed to buy a round to end a life by firing squad.
There are six billion people in the world
More or less
and it makes me feel quite small
But you're the one I love the most of all
A sixth of the six billion people in the world reside in China. It has tremendous potential to "take over the world". It is nothing negative.
The glorious past, the teeming present and the promising fusion juxtaposed in a single city. The modern five-star hotels flanking the regal, if antique, Imperial Palace in a city welcoming the future. China is at cross-roads. What baggage should they leave behind and what traditions should they bring along to the future? The constant struggle to mould a new identity to herald in a new beginning in the changing world yet remaining true to the virtuous inner being. To add an identity without losing the self.
The pursuit of the future but not disregarding the foundations which anchored them in the past. The money trail is becoming very pervasive. Today, I read in the papers that China's share market has become second largest in the world. The Chinese have billions of savings waiting to be invested.
So many things are changing outside while I contentedly cultivate my pearl in my oyster shell. But having made this trip, I do indeed feel quite small.
We're high on the wire
With the world in our sight
And I'll never tire,
Of the love that you give me every night
In a year or so, Beijing will have the whole world's eye trained on it for at least 2 to 3 weeks. Whether I liked the city or not is of no importance. The world changes and moves along. There is little we can do to change. Just like...
There are nine million bicycles in Beijing
That's a fact,
It's a thing we can't deny
Like the fact that I will love you till I die
And there are nine million bicycles in Beijing
And you know that I will love you till I die!
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Suddenly Appeared
Somewhere sometime some part of the common sewer pipes was clogged and I returned home to a kitchen half flooded by washing water, grime, food bits and all.
Took a deep breath and plunged my hand into the drainage hole. Water way clear. (So paramedic like - check airway.)
Went to the neighbourhood store to get a manual toilet pump. Came up some 15 minutes later to find that the waters have inundated the entire kitchen.
Attempted to pump the water back down. There was no way I was getting any traction because the force of the water gushing out of the hole prevented me from even establishing a firm closure. (Much like poorly sealed mouths in a CPR attempt.)
So in desperation, I started baling water and pouring it down the rubbish chute. Titanic is sinking! I mean, the house is flooding up. Worse, when I studied the renovation, I realised the retaining portion of the kitchen toilet is HIGHER than that to the hallway adjoining the kitchen. That means if the kitchen is flooded the waters will come right into the hall and rooms.
Ok, grim picture.
Ditched the baling for a while and decided to make calls. At 7.30 pm, the outlook is less than upbeat.
My plumber refused to take the job because he diagnosed the problem and said that it should be taken care of by the folks maintaining the estate (aka the Town Council).
I called the emergency services since the Town Council offices were already closed for the day. Lady at the emergency services said, it is in your house, find your own plumber.
Took a deep breath.
Miss, I "tak cuci" (didn't wash anything), didn't turn on water, how come water come out of the "hole"?
Like dat...? Sir, one moment yah?
She finally delivered the good news. We'll send a plumber down to take a look. If he diagnoses the problem as the Town Council's, they will resolve. If it is not their fault, then I'll have to look for my own plumber.
Sure. I'm winning this battle now.
Back to baling the water after informing my landlord and landlady.
But the rate of the surge was so fast, I had to call my housemate back to take pictures and a video of it. I mean, what would happen if Plumber came and the insurge stopped?
So he cut short his lunch and came back.
Meanwhile, I have baled water for an hour already. I think I am suitable to join the Uniguely Singapore yacht race around the world. If anything, I can bale water out of the yacht when I am not seasick.
Just then my friend came over for a scheduled visit. Not long after my housemate came back and he took wonderful pics. He took over the baling as my friend and I worked on his stuff.
Not long after, the plumber came.
Then the landlord and landlady arrived.
The pipes were finally cleared but the after math, I'm still clearing.
Took a deep breath and plunged my hand into the drainage hole. Water way clear. (So paramedic like - check airway.)
Went to the neighbourhood store to get a manual toilet pump. Came up some 15 minutes later to find that the waters have inundated the entire kitchen.
Attempted to pump the water back down. There was no way I was getting any traction because the force of the water gushing out of the hole prevented me from even establishing a firm closure. (Much like poorly sealed mouths in a CPR attempt.)
So in desperation, I started baling water and pouring it down the rubbish chute. Titanic is sinking! I mean, the house is flooding up. Worse, when I studied the renovation, I realised the retaining portion of the kitchen toilet is HIGHER than that to the hallway adjoining the kitchen. That means if the kitchen is flooded the waters will come right into the hall and rooms.
Ok, grim picture.
Ditched the baling for a while and decided to make calls. At 7.30 pm, the outlook is less than upbeat.
My plumber refused to take the job because he diagnosed the problem and said that it should be taken care of by the folks maintaining the estate (aka the Town Council).
I called the emergency services since the Town Council offices were already closed for the day. Lady at the emergency services said, it is in your house, find your own plumber.
Took a deep breath.
Miss, I "tak cuci" (didn't wash anything), didn't turn on water, how come water come out of the "hole"?
Like dat...? Sir, one moment yah?
She finally delivered the good news. We'll send a plumber down to take a look. If he diagnoses the problem as the Town Council's, they will resolve. If it is not their fault, then I'll have to look for my own plumber.
Sure. I'm winning this battle now.
Back to baling the water after informing my landlord and landlady.
But the rate of the surge was so fast, I had to call my housemate back to take pictures and a video of it. I mean, what would happen if Plumber came and the insurge stopped?
So he cut short his lunch and came back.
Meanwhile, I have baled water for an hour already. I think I am suitable to join the Uniguely Singapore yacht race around the world. If anything, I can bale water out of the yacht when I am not seasick.
Just then my friend came over for a scheduled visit. Not long after my housemate came back and he took wonderful pics. He took over the baling as my friend and I worked on his stuff.
Not long after, the plumber came.
Then the landlord and landlady arrived.
The pipes were finally cleared but the after math, I'm still clearing.
Suddenly Going
I was told that I am to make a work trip to Beijing.
It will be a super duper short trip but the pre-trip paper work is making me see stars.
It will be a super duper short trip but the pre-trip paper work is making me see stars.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Suddenly Gone
Received a SMS message early yesterday.
A collague's 4-month old baby passed away. Apparently, the little one suffocated on her own vomitus.
And to think the child was placed in "professional" child care with four baby sitters tending to 6 babies on the average.
I'm deeply saddened.
A collague's 4-month old baby passed away. Apparently, the little one suffocated on her own vomitus.
And to think the child was placed in "professional" child care with four baby sitters tending to 6 babies on the average.
I'm deeply saddened.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Reunion
Went for a function today and saw many people.
The general mood was one of exasperation. One where people resigned to their eternal curse of being mere puppets permeated the atmosphere, leaving it heavy and ominous. One could not feel the happiness even though the function was one where happiness should rule, at least for the afternoon.
I took a welcome break from work. I didn't feel too up to the event since my tonsils had flared up again and I just had a long-drawn dinner function the night before. However, I tried to soak in the whatever little happy feelings that I could sense there.
One main reason to cheer was I met people I know and it had been a long time since I last met them. In particular, I found a long-lost friend. The last I saw him was 1998. We were undergraduates then. We met in a English Language Syntax Course. Caught up with stuff since then and I'd be looking forward to meeting him for dinner sometime soon.
Anyhow, this friend was probably the talk of the function for the wrong reasons too. He wore an orange shirt, a pair of red jeans and a pair of cobra skin cowboy boots for a shirt and tie event. Well, that's him all right. I'd hesitate to call out to him if he hadn't dressed this way, honestly.
And of course, I met someone else whom I cannot wait to eliminate from my life. He made the incredible mistake of saying to me "Hey, I think I know you. Where did I meet you?" Spoke volumes. We were classmates during our education diploma course in 2001 - 2. Anyway, why would he remember me when his ego, self-righteousness, lack of humility, among his other qualities, would have precluded him from learning social etiquette skills and developing some iota of EQ.
Met my ex-boss. She's doing well. I'm happy for her.
I met a very good friend, a senior of sorts. Met him in 2002. Looking at him now, I get chills down my spine. He's been sidelined by his boss. Clearly passed over. There are some battles you can never win because circumstances are beyond your control. But do you then get faulted for that? I shudder to think coming 5 years in 2012, where will I be.
I chatted with a junior who exclaimed about my current posting outside of the circle I'm trained in. We'll have lots to catch up some time in the future.
A big player called out to me when the function was over and I was obliged to indulge him. Surprisingly, putting aside the superior and subordinate (well, not direct relationships - he's way up in the heavens already), he is actually a very nice guy. Very measured and thoughtful. Opens up and shares. As a HR guy, he knows where his good people are but powers bigger than him may be hindering him somewhat.
Overall, the reunion of sorts was interesting. I've done my share of networking.
The general mood was one of exasperation. One where people resigned to their eternal curse of being mere puppets permeated the atmosphere, leaving it heavy and ominous. One could not feel the happiness even though the function was one where happiness should rule, at least for the afternoon.
I took a welcome break from work. I didn't feel too up to the event since my tonsils had flared up again and I just had a long-drawn dinner function the night before. However, I tried to soak in the whatever little happy feelings that I could sense there.
One main reason to cheer was I met people I know and it had been a long time since I last met them. In particular, I found a long-lost friend. The last I saw him was 1998. We were undergraduates then. We met in a English Language Syntax Course. Caught up with stuff since then and I'd be looking forward to meeting him for dinner sometime soon.
Anyhow, this friend was probably the talk of the function for the wrong reasons too. He wore an orange shirt, a pair of red jeans and a pair of cobra skin cowboy boots for a shirt and tie event. Well, that's him all right. I'd hesitate to call out to him if he hadn't dressed this way, honestly.
And of course, I met someone else whom I cannot wait to eliminate from my life. He made the incredible mistake of saying to me "Hey, I think I know you. Where did I meet you?" Spoke volumes. We were classmates during our education diploma course in 2001 - 2. Anyway, why would he remember me when his ego, self-righteousness, lack of humility, among his other qualities, would have precluded him from learning social etiquette skills and developing some iota of EQ.
Met my ex-boss. She's doing well. I'm happy for her.
I met a very good friend, a senior of sorts. Met him in 2002. Looking at him now, I get chills down my spine. He's been sidelined by his boss. Clearly passed over. There are some battles you can never win because circumstances are beyond your control. But do you then get faulted for that? I shudder to think coming 5 years in 2012, where will I be.
I chatted with a junior who exclaimed about my current posting outside of the circle I'm trained in. We'll have lots to catch up some time in the future.
A big player called out to me when the function was over and I was obliged to indulge him. Surprisingly, putting aside the superior and subordinate (well, not direct relationships - he's way up in the heavens already), he is actually a very nice guy. Very measured and thoughtful. Opens up and shares. As a HR guy, he knows where his good people are but powers bigger than him may be hindering him somewhat.
Overall, the reunion of sorts was interesting. I've done my share of networking.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
40 Rules of Management
Words of wisdom from Mr James Ament's Blog.
Laws of Survival in the Corporate World (Principles That Will Protect Your Sanity)... Or...
A Hired Hand’s List of Unoriginal (Stolen) Ideas That Work… At Least They Worked in the Old Days... Or...
Cultivating Success (Having What You Want) in a System Where Your Time Belongs to Everyone Else... Or...
Things I Knew But Didn’t Necessarily Do:
1. The secret of my success is in the hands of those who work for me. And you’ll never get them to follow you until they give their consent. Be tough on the expectations, not on extracting remedies or giving penalties. When dealing with a wavering employee, increase the firmness of what is expected from him or her in terms of output; deny acceptance of inappropriate behavior and reinforce appropriate behavior. Understand the employee’s point of view but not to the neglect of the company’s legitimate requirements. Insist that the work be done. If it isn’t working, apply corporate surgery. Get a good soldier – one who gives sweat equity.
2. Make the boss look good. I am being paid for getting the right things done (my objectives) not for what I know and don’t use. It’s my job to give management the information and quality advice they need to make the right decisions. Keep the boss informed, anticipate his needs and help her contribute. Don’t let him be surprised about trouble in connection with your work.
3. Practice the art of self- nomination. I hereby appoint myself to assume positions of greater accountability. Cultivate the ability to articulate verbally and in writing and to present a case. Sell internally – persuade. Maintain high levels of energy and aspirations. Be a clean operator.
4. Hock your halo. What happens when you take your hand out of a bucket of water? The hole fills up right away. Don’t be too impressed with your own importance in the overall scheme of things. (Some folks wear their “hero file” on their sleeve.)
5. Remember the “tyranny of the urgent”. Maintain a sense of urgency on important matters but not everything that is urgent is important. Learn to segregate the important from the unimportant. Ask, what is the return on time invested? The effort requires less analysis and more courage because what one labels unimportant one actually postpones or abandons. Aim high – for something that will make a difference – the big-ticket items.
6. Don’t dip your pen into company ink.
7. Remember the “Law of the dog team”. “The only one with a decent view of the world is the lead dog”. (You know what the rest are looking at.) When you think you have everything figured out, be mindful that there are those ahead of you who just may have a better perspective.
8. Work. Delegate but don’t abdicate your authority because of laziness and then label it delegation. One is paid for doing ones own work. The implication that the manger with nothing to do is the best manager is not only nonsense; it is immoral, e.g. dumping a problem on someone who isn’t able to deal with it. Making my strengths and the strengths of those who work for me productive is the key to success. Also, unless I reach those with whom I have little control and can make my contribution effective for them and their work, I am ineffective. Thinking, communicating, giving advice, making good decisions, getting results is work.
9. Apply Drucker’s rules of decision making:
a) Concentrate on generic/strategic problems, not just symptoms. The repeating event that clamors for attention is really a symptom of a more fundamental structural problem. Band-aids don’t cure real problems.
b) Ask, what will the solution make happen? What are the objectives the decision has to reach? What will be improved? The decision needs to be adequate for its purpose.
c) One does not make a decision unless there is disagreement – insist on it. It is a safeguard against favored preconceived notions and provides alternatives plus it stimulates imagination.
a. Focus on what is right rather than what is acceptable, then think about who is right. There will be enough time for compromise. Don’t tamper with the truth.
b. Force yourself to see the opposition as your means to think through the alternatives. Use conflict of opinion as your tool to make sure all major aspects of an important matter are looked at carefully. Make conflict work for you.
c. When you choose a card, be sure it’s from a full deck.
d. Act or do not act. A surgeon doesn’t take out half an appendix. He operates or he doesn’t.
e. Convert the decision into action. The action must be appropriate to the capabilities of the people who have to carry it out.
f. Don’t look back. Admit your errors frankly and promptly. Learn judgment. Establish the fact that you are reliable and the welfare of the group comes before personal pride.
g. Finally, ask yourself if you would want your decision published in the Wall Street Journal?
10. Be a catalyst. Believe in self, not luck. Commit to the idea of personal excellence, improvement, and challenge. Relentlessly feed and build on your strengths and the strengths of others. Set an example by having a positive attitude. Nurture mutual understanding and acceptance.
11. Don’t pick up everyone’s gauntlet. The BBB’s (bright but belligerent) of the world are motivated by seeking out and then pressings other people’s hot buttons. The adversity can sometimes be healthy but also diversionary. Don’t be seduced into battle because you enjoy the fight! Decide to ignore; it is a choice. Do not give credibility to a time waster. Don’t let other people decide how you are going to feel. You set the tone.
12. You can’t push a rope. Don’t spend your career promoting and working on something that doesn’t contribute to your objectives if there is little likelihood of success. Keep your thoughts but don’t waste your energy. The idea may be brilliant but the timing may be wrong.
13. Develop emotional stamina. It is the primary demand of leadership. The obligation is upon the leader to understand the other person, not on the other person to understand the manager and his or her problems. Evaluate your actions with others in terms of intelligent self- interest. Ask, “Is this action directed toward my real goal”? Not, “am I justified in taking this action?” Management style should be to guide and assist your peers and subordinates. I can either be a helper or a hinderer; it’s a choice.
14. Sustain yourself on less praise than you know you deserve. Whining about being unappreciated is a waste of your time.
15. Line vs. staff is a host/guest relationship. Line makes and sells and is accountable. Staff is project oriented, gives advice and counsel, and is an ambassador for the function. Host says, “Tell me again why I need you.” Guest reconfirms with a definition of the “products” provided.
16. Remember the Wizard of OZ – all bluster and no substance. You have power; use a, b, and c more than d, e, and f.
a) Power to do; make and implement decisions
b) Power to help; facilitate the efforts of others
c) Power to influence; impact those who have the last say
d) Power over; dominance in a given situation
e) Power to hinder; block efforts to carry out a decision
f) Power to frustrate; negate efforts by withholding the make or brake input that would spell success.
17. Have a coping strategy. Rather than complain about the political environment, develop understanding and acceptance of the dynamics of the power structure. Without keen insight to the unwritten rules, you will be destined to bang heads more than necessary. Effectiveness stems from one’s negotiation skills, particularly in a political environment. Most business environments are political.
18. If you buy a dog, don’t bark yourself. If you hire a professional to do a job, allow the person to do it, hold the person accountable, measure his or her performance.
19. If you want the mice to run differently, move the cheese around. Productivity equals competence x motivation x satisfaction.
20. Some people don’t like being human related with. How’s your wife? She’s still dead. Develop the ability to listen and avoid insincerity.
21. Daydream purposefully. Prepare facts and the agenda for a presentation or pitch but also your psyche. Imagine every facet and sense of what would have to happen to make it a success. Also, think through the catastrophic expectations. When evaluating a risk, determine the worst that could happen and decide whether you can live with it or not.
22. Remember the Wisdom of Solomon. You cut the last piece of pie; you choose first.
23. You don’t have to be democratic. Managing by taking votes isn’t leadership. The contributions of the competent need to be sought.
24. Big egos have big hurts. They also retaliate when they are hurting.
25. Share your tough problems. Ask a subordinate, “please see me at 9:00 sharp. I want to know what you think… thanks for your input.” It allows participation in broader issues; indicates that the opinion is valued. Since the response is non-reactive, continuing the pattern will foster objectivity in future input; final decision still rests with you, where the responsibility lies.
26. Build two-way communication. Treat new employees as if they just got off the boat, that is, be patient and explain. To the new person: “Everything I am going to learn about your performance starts from this day forward.” To everyone, reinforce expectations. Don’t pick up the report laid on your desk; instead, restate what was desired and give the employee the opportunity to complete it as you wanted it without your having to turn it back with criticism. Expect completed work. Pass along their good suggestions; give them credit; train them to replace you.
27. Have a recommendation ready. Outline the situation, isolate the problems, explore possible solutions, decide; list the advantages and disadvantages of each. Which solution solves the problem? Have an alternate plan. Have the facts and figures ready; double-check them.
28. If you don’t know, admit it. Appearing to know all the answers is a great temptation. If it’s your area of responsibility, admit you don’t know but then find out.
29. Make it a rule to date everything. You’ll never have to wonder when the matter in question came up.
30. Don’t pass the buck; grab it. It isn’t necessary to assume responsibility for mistakes not remotely connected with your work, but if even part of the blame is yours, assume it. Establish a reputation of courage and responsibility, even when things go wrong.
31. Write one-page memos. It is more difficult to write a short cogent letter, memo, or report than a long one as it takes more time. But it increases the chances of being actually read and then accepted.
32. Pig rule. Never negotiate with a pig. You’ll just get dirty and he’ll love it.
33. Negotiations. No only means no for now.
34. Marketing is simple. Build a quality product that your customers want. Build long-term relationships with your customers. Provide solutions to their problems.
35. Grit and gumption are preferable to intellect and inertia.
36. Every business has crisis. They all deserve a mourning period. Give them a few minutes of proper respect. Then move on; get on with the job. Self-pity is nice too; give yourself 30 seconds.
37. What should we be working on? Because its purpose is to create a customer, the business enterprise has two, and only these two, basic functions: marketing and innovation. All the rest are costs.
38. Forecasting. I don't know the future but then neither does anybody else. Who is in a better position to make a judgment?
39. Don’t die wondering what your convictions are. Develop some personal business standards, a management style and some solid principles that you believe in. Have a repertoire of behaviors appropriate to the demands and consistent with your personality.
40. Far better to ask for forgiveness (for a well conceived decisive action) than permission. The focus is on effectiveness rather than following the rules. Recognize that breaking rules doesn’t necessarily equate to effectiveness particularly when stepping on someone else’s turf.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Hand Reading
| What Your Hands Say About You |
 You are logical, analytical, and rational. You have good verbal skills. Flexible and broad minded, you can fit in to any situation. There's no telling where your life will take you. Consistent and reliable, you like to count on structure and routine in your life. Your emotions tend to be nervous and potent. Your energy - both positive and negative - deeply impacts your life. |
Control Freak
| You Are 20% Control Freak |
 There's no way you're a control freak. You're totally laid back - and able to take life as it comes. While you definitely have a healthy mental attitude, don't get suckered into letting someone control you. |
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Are You An Elite Chauvinist Pig?
Came home one evening and saw a magazine at my doorstep. It was a pretty impressive magazine, all wrapped out and printed on semi-glossy paper.
The mag is called "Lexean". It was a second issue and it retailed for $15.80 (USD 10) at the news stands. Hey, I didn't subscribe to this and I hell ain't gonna pay that price for something that may not relate to my needs.
Anyhow, the theme of the issue, "Are You An Elite Chauvinist Pig?" interested me.
So I unwrapped from magazine and found a letter inside the cover. It was a browsing copy from one of my credit card companies.
Isn't it so interesting huh, to send a mag to a card subscriber asking if he was an elite chauvinist pig?
As I thumbed through the pages, I realised it is a Singapore magazine, aiming to address the gap left behind by the National Geographics, Readers Digests, 8-Days and i-Weeklys, Time, Asiaweek, Economist and other periodicals. Lexean aimed to meet the needs to the intellectually endowed and current affairs-attuned MEN.
After reading the namesake article in the magazine, I must admit that the writing was great. After all, the contributors are mostly magazine and newspaper editors or they have had extensive experience in work requiring reading and writing such as lawyers, critics and playwrights.
There is, of course, no prizes for guessing that the issue was inspired by Wee Shu Min's diatribe against Derek Wee in her blog. Yes, she and her father got much flak for that.
Sadly though, Ms Wee made very valid points. Except that Singapore was not ready for her candor and righteousness.
We still prefer to languish as "sick men of the East" even though Singapore is very much in the First World Nation league. This is not surprising because Singaporeans' favourite past time is to blame the privileged elite for every thing bad that befell them.
I am neither elite, chauvinist nor both even though you can argue that I look like a pig. (You are entitled to your your opinion while I am entitled to mine.) Do I begrudge the elite, the chauvinist pigs and the elite chauvinist pigs? The more rightful question is: Should I?
A society like Singapore is merciless in leaving behind those who cannot keep up. While the government is trying its level best to make sure that no one is left behind while Singapore progresses, I am painfully aware that there will come a day when I am told that someone can do my job twice as well at half my pay. Should I grudge? Should I lament? Should I begrudge the people coming up to replace me?
I would be really worried if there is no one better than me who is coming up after me in hope to replace me. Eh, these are the very people who are going to pay the taxes in the future to pay my upkeep (assuming I remain single and eventually would get destitute).
I need them. And thus, I have to give way. Who knows? I may end up in the backwater tutoring kids for a meagre income. But would I then say that I won't work? No. We should work to keep ourselves useful while we still can.
You may not agree me but I still believe that each individual is ultimately accountable and responsible for himself or herself. To expect someone else to do that would be the thoughts of a chauvinistic fatalist.
The mag is called "Lexean". It was a second issue and it retailed for $15.80 (USD 10) at the news stands. Hey, I didn't subscribe to this and I hell ain't gonna pay that price for something that may not relate to my needs.
Anyhow, the theme of the issue, "Are You An Elite Chauvinist Pig?" interested me.
So I unwrapped from magazine and found a letter inside the cover. It was a browsing copy from one of my credit card companies.
Isn't it so interesting huh, to send a mag to a card subscriber asking if he was an elite chauvinist pig?
As I thumbed through the pages, I realised it is a Singapore magazine, aiming to address the gap left behind by the National Geographics, Readers Digests, 8-Days and i-Weeklys, Time, Asiaweek, Economist and other periodicals. Lexean aimed to meet the needs to the intellectually endowed and current affairs-attuned MEN.
After reading the namesake article in the magazine, I must admit that the writing was great. After all, the contributors are mostly magazine and newspaper editors or they have had extensive experience in work requiring reading and writing such as lawyers, critics and playwrights.
There is, of course, no prizes for guessing that the issue was inspired by Wee Shu Min's diatribe against Derek Wee in her blog. Yes, she and her father got much flak for that.
Sadly though, Ms Wee made very valid points. Except that Singapore was not ready for her candor and righteousness.
We still prefer to languish as "sick men of the East" even though Singapore is very much in the First World Nation league. This is not surprising because Singaporeans' favourite past time is to blame the privileged elite for every thing bad that befell them.
I am neither elite, chauvinist nor both even though you can argue that I look like a pig. (You are entitled to your your opinion while I am entitled to mine.) Do I begrudge the elite, the chauvinist pigs and the elite chauvinist pigs? The more rightful question is: Should I?
A society like Singapore is merciless in leaving behind those who cannot keep up. While the government is trying its level best to make sure that no one is left behind while Singapore progresses, I am painfully aware that there will come a day when I am told that someone can do my job twice as well at half my pay. Should I grudge? Should I lament? Should I begrudge the people coming up to replace me?
I would be really worried if there is no one better than me who is coming up after me in hope to replace me. Eh, these are the very people who are going to pay the taxes in the future to pay my upkeep (assuming I remain single and eventually would get destitute).
I need them. And thus, I have to give way. Who knows? I may end up in the backwater tutoring kids for a meagre income. But would I then say that I won't work? No. We should work to keep ourselves useful while we still can.
You may not agree me but I still believe that each individual is ultimately accountable and responsible for himself or herself. To expect someone else to do that would be the thoughts of a chauvinistic fatalist.
Friday, April 20, 2007
The New Look
The reason is simple: I wanted to clean up some outdated stuff like the defunct counters in the old blog layout and after I deleted the parts which I thought should be deleted, I removed the command to display the posts as well.
As luck would have it, I did not paste the stuff on a notepad or a word doc so there was no way I could replace the chopped off portion.
I guess it may be time too for a change. Otherwise, the Aquarius in me will be happily trudging along the old layout and forever bitching about not having changed it. Yet when it comes to making a change, the very same Aquarius is resistant to seeing different things.
The inner battles I face every day...
As luck would have it, I did not paste the stuff on a notepad or a word doc so there was no way I could replace the chopped off portion.
I guess it may be time too for a change. Otherwise, the Aquarius in me will be happily trudging along the old layout and forever bitching about not having changed it. Yet when it comes to making a change, the very same Aquarius is resistant to seeing different things.
The inner battles I face every day...
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Curse of the Lizard
Curse of the Lizard
Watched a rerun of "Extreme Gourmet" last week and was laughing that the hosts and the guest had to each eat two house lizards when they were visiting some province in China. Apparently, it is a delicacy.
I was just telling myself that I would definitely be able to overcome my dislike, disgust and mild fear of lizards and pop a couple down my gut.
Then this evening, there was this large, pinkish, sluggish, FAT lizard in the bathroom. It had a swollen tummy and it moved a little slow. And it wouldn't buzz off from the bathroom despite my constant agitation.
Finally, I decided to go for the kill. Two whacks and I still could not kill it. I thought it might be reasonably injured that I could flush it out with a jet of water, and let it run down the sewer pipe. But no! It held on to the floor.
Two water jets later, I was really incensed. I decided to look for my guns. I mean, my other weapons of lizard destruction. Then I remembered that I have a electric jug of hot water.
Bingo.
Two splashes of hot water later, the reptile was past dead. The second splash probably locked its soul in the boiled body, denying it a chance to meet its maker even. Then I flushed it out with another jet of water. Before you scream and call the SPCA or accuse me of being violent and uncaring to the lizard, I did only what I had to to make sure it was dead. I won't be rushing to find other lizards to kill soon.
So as the lizard was flushed out from behind the sewer pipe, lo and behold. It looked exactly like the lizard delicacy that the Extreme Gourmet people had to eat.
I cringed when I saw the dead lizard. I wanted to flush it down the sewer but then I was worried that if it were stuck on its way down, the rotting stench would be too much to bear. So I decided to flush it down the toilet instead.
Gingerly, I took a wad of toilet paper, folded it into a thick pad and squatted beside the dead thing, eyeing it suspiciously for any other movement.
Finally convinced that any motion was the result of water flowing past the body, I picked up the dead offender and dumped it into the toilet and I flushed.
Just then a bug landed on the back of my hand and I almost jumped out of my skin. Sigh... Overcoming a fear is definitely not easy!
Watched a rerun of "Extreme Gourmet" last week and was laughing that the hosts and the guest had to each eat two house lizards when they were visiting some province in China. Apparently, it is a delicacy.
I was just telling myself that I would definitely be able to overcome my dislike, disgust and mild fear of lizards and pop a couple down my gut.
Then this evening, there was this large, pinkish, sluggish, FAT lizard in the bathroom. It had a swollen tummy and it moved a little slow. And it wouldn't buzz off from the bathroom despite my constant agitation.
Finally, I decided to go for the kill. Two whacks and I still could not kill it. I thought it might be reasonably injured that I could flush it out with a jet of water, and let it run down the sewer pipe. But no! It held on to the floor.
Two water jets later, I was really incensed. I decided to look for my guns. I mean, my other weapons of lizard destruction. Then I remembered that I have a electric jug of hot water.
Bingo.
Two splashes of hot water later, the reptile was past dead. The second splash probably locked its soul in the boiled body, denying it a chance to meet its maker even. Then I flushed it out with another jet of water. Before you scream and call the SPCA or accuse me of being violent and uncaring to the lizard, I did only what I had to to make sure it was dead. I won't be rushing to find other lizards to kill soon.
So as the lizard was flushed out from behind the sewer pipe, lo and behold. It looked exactly like the lizard delicacy that the Extreme Gourmet people had to eat.
I cringed when I saw the dead lizard. I wanted to flush it down the sewer but then I was worried that if it were stuck on its way down, the rotting stench would be too much to bear. So I decided to flush it down the toilet instead.
Gingerly, I took a wad of toilet paper, folded it into a thick pad and squatted beside the dead thing, eyeing it suspiciously for any other movement.
Finally convinced that any motion was the result of water flowing past the body, I picked up the dead offender and dumped it into the toilet and I flushed.
Just then a bug landed on the back of my hand and I almost jumped out of my skin. Sigh... Overcoming a fear is definitely not easy!
Who Moved His Kimchi?
Who Moved His Kimchi?
I cannot fathom why Cho Seung-Hui would go on a mass killing spree on that fateful day.
32 innocent victims were killed.
But I am in no position to judge the one murderer. Was he not a victim himself?
And I have to get this thought out of my mind, and fast!
I think Cho must be very furious because someone moved his kimchi. But who, what, and why?
The search for more answers will probably continue.
I cannot fathom why Cho Seung-Hui would go on a mass killing spree on that fateful day.
32 innocent victims were killed.
But I am in no position to judge the one murderer. Was he not a victim himself?
And I have to get this thought out of my mind, and fast!
I think Cho must be very furious because someone moved his kimchi. But who, what, and why?
The search for more answers will probably continue.
Quote of the Month - April 07
Quote of the Month - April 07
(For that matter, it's not that hard to make your own nasty weapons, including firearms and explosives.) Your reeducation camps - excuse me, education system - won't be able to shut down evil imaginations.
- Old Whig, reacting to the call to ban civilian rights to own firearms in the aftermath Virginia Tech killings where a South Korean gunman singlehandedly killed 32 people before taking his own life by shooting himself in the head.
(For that matter, it's not that hard to make your own nasty weapons, including firearms and explosives.) Your reeducation camps - excuse me, education system - won't be able to shut down evil imaginations.
- Old Whig, reacting to the call to ban civilian rights to own firearms in the aftermath Virginia Tech killings where a South Korean gunman singlehandedly killed 32 people before taking his own life by shooting himself in the head.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Virginia Tech Massacre
REST IN PEACE
Dedicated to the 32 victims of the Virginia Tech Massacre
whose lives came to an abrupt end on
16 Apr 07 (US)
17 Apr 07 (Local)
Monday, April 16, 2007
Lucky Me
Very interesting read.
Lucky Me
From The Wall Street Journal 12 Apr 07
The following is an unsent email from 2007 found on the laptop of the late Sam Zell, beloved real-estate mogul, who decades ago flirted with a career in media by proposing a leveraged buyout of the Tribune Co. financed by an employee stock option plan.
Dear Fellow Investors:
Please join me in disregarding the guff you've been reading about your new ESOP (some of which, I admit to uttering myself!). The government wouldn't have to dangle giant tax inducements to encourage companies to adopt this ownership structure if employee ownership produced the benefits that its fans claim for it.
Yes. I've seen the studies claiming employee-owned companies are happy and have higher growth. Is that because employee ownership creates happiness and growth, or because employee ownership only thrives under circumstances where the underlying business can produce happiness and growth?
You don't work in a business that's happy and let's not imagine that happiness and growth will be conjured out of shifting ownership to an ESOP. Our business is not growing and we had better get unhappy about it. We need to rid of people we can't afford. We need to stop paying people to do what they've always done just because they like doing it. You seem to believe you have a sacred right to carry on despite the customer's lack of interest in what you do.
By "you", I mean the Los Angeles Times. Dude - to quote my acquaintance Donald, you're fired!
I'm joking. You're not fired. You're laid off. Perhaps you're offered a generous exit package. I''ll get back to you. (Actually, my secret hope is to get somebody to take the L.A. Times off our hands.)
Between you, me and the lamppost, we're structuring this deal as an ESOP for the tax benefit. As employees, your role in the ESOP is to serve as - what's the word? - a patsy? No, a cut-out. Your participation is what makes us eligible for the giant tax handout, so don't worry, we're going to cut you in. You betcha.
Believe me, I'm not saying the ESOP can't pay off for you. It could. But I'm honor-bound to point out that it's not good financial sense to double down on your own employer by recycling your income back into your company's stock. Sure, the stock could take off. So could any stock. If you want to swing for the fences, at least give yourself some stocks to choose from. And don't forget ESOPs typically deny their employee "owners" the basic prerogatives of ownership. In our case, I will have control, you won't.
You aren't dumb (I'm told). You understand that the newspaper industry faces a problematic future. Our Tribune predecessors did a great job of preserving our fat profit margins by cutting, cutting, cutting. We'll be cutting too - to pay down the $8 billion loan to put the company (nominally) in your hands. But don't worry. There will still be plenty of work around here. You can do valve checks on my Ducatis. They need one every 3,000 miles. Talk about high maintenance! (I'm joking. Don't touch my bikes.)
On a serious note, the world's appetite for news and information is hardly shrinking. There's a future for us distributing local news and information that readers can't get elsewhere and wouldn't exist if we didn't produce it. We got sidetracked by the Times Mirror merger that brought the L.A. Times aboard. We will concentrate again on becoming a local Chicago e-commerce giant.
Between there and here, we'll be struggling to pay down our huge debt. Being realistic, you wonder why I have put up a tiny sum of my own money to become the engineer of this train wreck (and mix metaphors, which is a boss's prerogative!).
At some point, we might hit on a new business model that really pays off, in which case your stock would actually be worth something. For me, I only have to wait for the transaction to close a few months from now. Then I've got a 15-year option to buy 40% of the company (current market value $8 billion) for the bargain price of $590 million. Talk about backdating!
I know. I can hardly believe it myself. I'm a great guy and my lack of media experience is probably a plus at this point, and the value of my stake would have to be discounted for my share of the massive debt taken on partly to buy it and hand it to me. But it still adds up to a giant signing bonus for agreeing to serve as chairman. What's more, the agreement basically gives me control whether or not I spend the money to exercise the option.
Boy oh boy, this is a deal for the M&A record books. I've heard of acquirers paying a "control premium" but a "control discount"? I just hope Burkle, Geffen and Broad (the West Coast billionaires whom I outfoxed in bidding for Tribune) don't steal my ESOP idea and offer to pay a more realistic price for my controlling stake, with the extra cash reducing the ESOP's debt. What's the estimated value of my option? Good question. It's not in the documents and Trib's chief spokesman claims not to have seen a figure. Even I don't really understand what the ESOP is getting in return for basically letting me buy control of the company for 15 years with $90 million. (I'm also lending the firm $225 million, but that will be paid back.)
Lordy, I just thought of something: What if the ESOP trustee asks for a "fairness opinion"? Can you imagine the lawsuits? You media types will say the flaw in the negotiation was the absence of anybody with a motive to protect the ESOP's interests. The Chandler Trusts might be sued too. You'll say we got together and concocted the ESOP to buy out Chandler at top dollar, turn around and sell me a controlling stake at a knockdown price.
Geez, what was Tribune CEO Dennis FitzSimons thinking when he let me brainstorm up this convoluted deal? And I have such a good reputation too. I'd better rethink, pronto. What a drag - because I really might have been the guy to save the newspaper business from itself!
Your pal, Sam.
Lucky Me
From The Wall Street Journal 12 Apr 07
The following is an unsent email from 2007 found on the laptop of the late Sam Zell, beloved real-estate mogul, who decades ago flirted with a career in media by proposing a leveraged buyout of the Tribune Co. financed by an employee stock option plan.
Dear Fellow Investors:
Please join me in disregarding the guff you've been reading about your new ESOP (some of which, I admit to uttering myself!). The government wouldn't have to dangle giant tax inducements to encourage companies to adopt this ownership structure if employee ownership produced the benefits that its fans claim for it.
Yes. I've seen the studies claiming employee-owned companies are happy and have higher growth. Is that because employee ownership creates happiness and growth, or because employee ownership only thrives under circumstances where the underlying business can produce happiness and growth?
You don't work in a business that's happy and let's not imagine that happiness and growth will be conjured out of shifting ownership to an ESOP. Our business is not growing and we had better get unhappy about it. We need to rid of people we can't afford. We need to stop paying people to do what they've always done just because they like doing it. You seem to believe you have a sacred right to carry on despite the customer's lack of interest in what you do.
By "you", I mean the Los Angeles Times. Dude - to quote my acquaintance Donald, you're fired!
I'm joking. You're not fired. You're laid off. Perhaps you're offered a generous exit package. I''ll get back to you. (Actually, my secret hope is to get somebody to take the L.A. Times off our hands.)
Between you, me and the lamppost, we're structuring this deal as an ESOP for the tax benefit. As employees, your role in the ESOP is to serve as - what's the word? - a patsy? No, a cut-out. Your participation is what makes us eligible for the giant tax handout, so don't worry, we're going to cut you in. You betcha.
Believe me, I'm not saying the ESOP can't pay off for you. It could. But I'm honor-bound to point out that it's not good financial sense to double down on your own employer by recycling your income back into your company's stock. Sure, the stock could take off. So could any stock. If you want to swing for the fences, at least give yourself some stocks to choose from. And don't forget ESOPs typically deny their employee "owners" the basic prerogatives of ownership. In our case, I will have control, you won't.
You aren't dumb (I'm told). You understand that the newspaper industry faces a problematic future. Our Tribune predecessors did a great job of preserving our fat profit margins by cutting, cutting, cutting. We'll be cutting too - to pay down the $8 billion loan to put the company (nominally) in your hands. But don't worry. There will still be plenty of work around here. You can do valve checks on my Ducatis. They need one every 3,000 miles. Talk about high maintenance! (I'm joking. Don't touch my bikes.)
On a serious note, the world's appetite for news and information is hardly shrinking. There's a future for us distributing local news and information that readers can't get elsewhere and wouldn't exist if we didn't produce it. We got sidetracked by the Times Mirror merger that brought the L.A. Times aboard. We will concentrate again on becoming a local Chicago e-commerce giant.
Between there and here, we'll be struggling to pay down our huge debt. Being realistic, you wonder why I have put up a tiny sum of my own money to become the engineer of this train wreck (and mix metaphors, which is a boss's prerogative!).
At some point, we might hit on a new business model that really pays off, in which case your stock would actually be worth something. For me, I only have to wait for the transaction to close a few months from now. Then I've got a 15-year option to buy 40% of the company (current market value $8 billion) for the bargain price of $590 million. Talk about backdating!
I know. I can hardly believe it myself. I'm a great guy and my lack of media experience is probably a plus at this point, and the value of my stake would have to be discounted for my share of the massive debt taken on partly to buy it and hand it to me. But it still adds up to a giant signing bonus for agreeing to serve as chairman. What's more, the agreement basically gives me control whether or not I spend the money to exercise the option.
Boy oh boy, this is a deal for the M&A record books. I've heard of acquirers paying a "control premium" but a "control discount"? I just hope Burkle, Geffen and Broad (the West Coast billionaires whom I outfoxed in bidding for Tribune) don't steal my ESOP idea and offer to pay a more realistic price for my controlling stake, with the extra cash reducing the ESOP's debt. What's the estimated value of my option? Good question. It's not in the documents and Trib's chief spokesman claims not to have seen a figure. Even I don't really understand what the ESOP is getting in return for basically letting me buy control of the company for 15 years with $90 million. (I'm also lending the firm $225 million, but that will be paid back.)
Lordy, I just thought of something: What if the ESOP trustee asks for a "fairness opinion"? Can you imagine the lawsuits? You media types will say the flaw in the negotiation was the absence of anybody with a motive to protect the ESOP's interests. The Chandler Trusts might be sued too. You'll say we got together and concocted the ESOP to buy out Chandler at top dollar, turn around and sell me a controlling stake at a knockdown price.
Geez, what was Tribune CEO Dennis FitzSimons thinking when he let me brainstorm up this convoluted deal? And I have such a good reputation too. I'd better rethink, pronto. What a drag - because I really might have been the guy to save the newspaper business from itself!
Your pal, Sam.
Advance Awareness
Advance Awareness
If you keep a pet that can kill, such as a killer dog, and you walk the dog without choke chains or muzzles. The dog kills someone. Is the owner culpable of murder?
If you operate a machine that can kill, such as a car, and you drive the car without care or caution. The car kills someone. Is the driver culpable of murder?
I thought the point was moot - of course the owner is culpable - but the larger question is why people are still rearing such dogs when conditions clearly do not permit safe pet-keeping? At least with a car, you can avoid getting into accidents by not driving it. But a dog has its needs - nature calls and primal needs (to kill, maybe).
So, should we not indict the pet shop owners too for making available such dogs for the public to rear? What if one day the dog does its owner in? Will it then be too late? Or are we finally seeing poetic justice?
Full story below.
Dog case may set murder standard
Infamous attack and subsequent trial consumed San Francisco and sparked a nationwide debate over killer dogs.
By Maura Dolan, Times Staff Writer
April 16, 2007
Did Marjorie Knoller know that walking her dogs without choke chains or muzzles could mean someone would die?
The answer to that question, now before the California Supreme Court, will decide whether Knoller is returned to prison for the murder of Diane Whipple, 33, who was mauled to death six years ago by Knoller's two Presa Canarios in the hallway of her Pacific Heights apartment.
The infamous attack and subsequent trial consumed this city and sparked a nationwide debate over killer dogs.
Now the case may lead to a new standard in California for determining when an unintentional killing can be murder. At issue is the state of mind of someone whose dangerous act triggers a death: How much advance awareness must they have of the risks?
The courts have already ruled that drunk drivers involved in fatal accidents can be culpable for murder; a change in the law could mean more murder cases against people who unintentionally kill by starting fires, causing industrial accidents, shooting guns in celebration or neglecting children.
Attorney Dennis P. Riordan, who represents Knoller, believes that for the crime to have been murder, Knoller would have had to know: " 'If I go out of this apartment, there is a real chance somebody is going to die.' That has to be a conscious thought in her head."
State Deputy Atty. Gen. Amy E. Haddix contends that dozens of aggressive acts by the dogs made Knoller aware that they could be deadly and satisfied the requirements for what is called an "implied malice" murder — when the killer has no intent to kill but acts with a conscious disregard of life and the knowledge that his conduct endangers people.
"If you anticipate that level of danger to human life, it doesn't matter that you might hope you could intervene ... ," Haddix said. "The risk is great enough that you are on the hook for the worst possible result."
Knoller, 51, a lawyer, was convicted of second-degree murder, but the judge threw out that conviction. Before overturning the jury's murder verdict, San Francisco Superior Court Judge James Warren pondered whether Knoller "subjectively knew on Jan. [26, 2001] that her conduct was such that a human being was likely to die."
Turning to Knoller in the courtroom, Warren said: "There was one time on the stand, Ms. Knoller, when I truly believed what you said. You broke down in the middle of a totally scripted answer and you actually, instead of crying, you actually got mad and you said you had no idea that this dog could do what he did and pounded the table. I believed you."
She left prison in 2004 after serving 33 months for involuntary manslaughter, and is said to be living with family in Florida.
Her husband, Robert Noel, 65, also a lawyer, was not present during the attack but served time for his role in maintaining the dogs. He is believed to be residing in Solano County, about an hour's drive from San Francisco.
An appeal court reinstated Knoller's murder conviction, and she appealed to the high court. Depending on what it decides — a ruling is expected any day — Knoller could be returned to prison for 15 years to life. Given the difficulty of winning parole in California, Knoller could die in prison.
On the afternoon of Whipple's death, Knoller said that she had taken Bane, her 140-pound male Presa, to the roof of the apartment building and was returning to her apartment when the dog noticed Whipple.
Carrying groceries and reportedly terrified of Knoller's dogs — one had bitten her the month before — the college lacrosse coach was at her apartment door when the dog charged. Hera, Knoller's female Presa, slipped out Knoller's open door and followed suit.
Summoned by a neighbor peering out from a peephole, police arrived to find Whipple covered with bites from head to toe, her clothes shredded and her neck torn apart. Blood soaked the hallway carpet and streaked the walls. Pieces of Whipple's clothing and groceries littered the floor.
An officer later testified that Whipple was on her stomach in the hallway, trying to crawl to her apartment. The officer told her to remain still, that an ambulance was on the way, and Whipple seemed to relax. But her breathing and pulse stopped as paramedics arrived.
A court document described the attack as "typical of a predatory animal that mauls the neck of its prey to cut off the air supply."
Fatal dog attacks in the United States are rare. Only about two dozen people are mauled to death each year in a nation with 70 million dogs, said Karen Delise, founder of the National Canine Research Council, which tracks and investigates fatal dog attacks.
Pit bulls and Rottweilers most often top the list of killers, according to various studies, but killer canines have included a Yorkshire terrier, a dachshund, a Labrador retriever, a cocker spaniel and a collie.
Besides Knoller, only two people in the United States have been convicted of murder for killings by dogs. One was a man who ordered a pit bull to attack his girlfriend. Fewer than half of all fatal dog attacks are even prosecuted, according to Randall Lockwood, an expert in the epidemiology of dog attacks.
But Whipple's death incensed San Franciscans, in part because of comments by Knoller and her husband suggesting that Whipple might have been responsible for her demise. Knoller reported that Whipple dallied and gave the dog time to kill, while Noel noted that she might have exuded a pheromone fragrance that crazed the animal.
During the couple's trial, moved to Los Angeles after the judge decided that the defendants could not get a fair hearing in San Francisco, the prosecution tried to show Knoller acted "in conscious disregard" of her dogs' killing nature.
Knoller and Noel acquired the dogs as a favor to a prison inmate, Paul "Cornfed" Schneider, whom they had met in the course of their legal work and later adopted, even though he was an adult.
Schneider was trying to run a business from prison, breeding and selling Presas as guard dogs. He was unhappy with the care Bane and Hera were getting from a woman who was raising them on her farm near Hayfork in Trinity County.
Schneider was particularly displeased to learn that Bane had become friendly with cats and urged the caretaker not to make "wusses" of the dogs. Hera was not a "wuss." She had escaped several times and killed a cat, a sheep, chickens and other animals, according to court records.
Even before Knoller took possession of the dogs, a veterinarian who examined them told her he would be "professionally amiss" if he did not alert her to their menace.
Dr. Donald Martin, who vaccinated the dogs before their transport to San Francisco, wrote Knoller that the dogs were "huge," with "no training or discipline of any sort." They would be "a liability in any household, reminding me of an attack in Tehama County to a boy by large dogs. He lost his arm and disfigured his face."
"The historic romance of the warrior dog, the personal guard dog, the gaming dog and so on may sound good but hardly fits into life today."
Trouble began soon after Hera arrived on April 31, 2000. In June, she bit a man on his rear end in the building lobby, according to later testimony..
In September, after Bane arrived, one of the dogs lunged, teeth bared, at the stomach of a pregnant woman, another witness testified.
Noel also had to be hospitalized after Bane bit his hand in a dogfight. A piece of literature in the couple's apartment said that police used Presas to disable pit bulls.
Knoller testified that she had tried her best to save Whipple, even getting between her and the dogs.
There was no evidence at trial that either dog had killed before, that any dog of the Presa Canario breed had ever killed a person or that a dog of any breed had killed while being walked by its owner, Riordan said.
Although rare, dogs have killed while on leash or in the presence of an owner, Delise, the researcher on dog attacks, said in an interview. One dog even snatched a baby from a woman's arms. But the prosecution's expert testified he had never heard of such a killing. The presence of an owner was usually enough to deter an attack, he said.
"Knoller had no conceivable motive to decide to take her dog for a walk knowing and not caring that someone was likely to die by the time she returned to her apartment to cook dinner," Riordan said.
If you keep a pet that can kill, such as a killer dog, and you walk the dog without choke chains or muzzles. The dog kills someone. Is the owner culpable of murder?
If you operate a machine that can kill, such as a car, and you drive the car without care or caution. The car kills someone. Is the driver culpable of murder?
I thought the point was moot - of course the owner is culpable - but the larger question is why people are still rearing such dogs when conditions clearly do not permit safe pet-keeping? At least with a car, you can avoid getting into accidents by not driving it. But a dog has its needs - nature calls and primal needs (to kill, maybe).
So, should we not indict the pet shop owners too for making available such dogs for the public to rear? What if one day the dog does its owner in? Will it then be too late? Or are we finally seeing poetic justice?
Full story below.
Dog case may set murder standard
Infamous attack and subsequent trial consumed San Francisco and sparked a nationwide debate over killer dogs.
By Maura Dolan, Times Staff Writer
April 16, 2007
Did Marjorie Knoller know that walking her dogs without choke chains or muzzles could mean someone would die?
The answer to that question, now before the California Supreme Court, will decide whether Knoller is returned to prison for the murder of Diane Whipple, 33, who was mauled to death six years ago by Knoller's two Presa Canarios in the hallway of her Pacific Heights apartment.
The infamous attack and subsequent trial consumed this city and sparked a nationwide debate over killer dogs.
Now the case may lead to a new standard in California for determining when an unintentional killing can be murder. At issue is the state of mind of someone whose dangerous act triggers a death: How much advance awareness must they have of the risks?
The courts have already ruled that drunk drivers involved in fatal accidents can be culpable for murder; a change in the law could mean more murder cases against people who unintentionally kill by starting fires, causing industrial accidents, shooting guns in celebration or neglecting children.
Attorney Dennis P. Riordan, who represents Knoller, believes that for the crime to have been murder, Knoller would have had to know: " 'If I go out of this apartment, there is a real chance somebody is going to die.' That has to be a conscious thought in her head."
State Deputy Atty. Gen. Amy E. Haddix contends that dozens of aggressive acts by the dogs made Knoller aware that they could be deadly and satisfied the requirements for what is called an "implied malice" murder — when the killer has no intent to kill but acts with a conscious disregard of life and the knowledge that his conduct endangers people.
"If you anticipate that level of danger to human life, it doesn't matter that you might hope you could intervene ... ," Haddix said. "The risk is great enough that you are on the hook for the worst possible result."
Knoller, 51, a lawyer, was convicted of second-degree murder, but the judge threw out that conviction. Before overturning the jury's murder verdict, San Francisco Superior Court Judge James Warren pondered whether Knoller "subjectively knew on Jan. [26, 2001] that her conduct was such that a human being was likely to die."
Turning to Knoller in the courtroom, Warren said: "There was one time on the stand, Ms. Knoller, when I truly believed what you said. You broke down in the middle of a totally scripted answer and you actually, instead of crying, you actually got mad and you said you had no idea that this dog could do what he did and pounded the table. I believed you."
She left prison in 2004 after serving 33 months for involuntary manslaughter, and is said to be living with family in Florida.
Her husband, Robert Noel, 65, also a lawyer, was not present during the attack but served time for his role in maintaining the dogs. He is believed to be residing in Solano County, about an hour's drive from San Francisco.
An appeal court reinstated Knoller's murder conviction, and she appealed to the high court. Depending on what it decides — a ruling is expected any day — Knoller could be returned to prison for 15 years to life. Given the difficulty of winning parole in California, Knoller could die in prison.
On the afternoon of Whipple's death, Knoller said that she had taken Bane, her 140-pound male Presa, to the roof of the apartment building and was returning to her apartment when the dog noticed Whipple.
Carrying groceries and reportedly terrified of Knoller's dogs — one had bitten her the month before — the college lacrosse coach was at her apartment door when the dog charged. Hera, Knoller's female Presa, slipped out Knoller's open door and followed suit.
Summoned by a neighbor peering out from a peephole, police arrived to find Whipple covered with bites from head to toe, her clothes shredded and her neck torn apart. Blood soaked the hallway carpet and streaked the walls. Pieces of Whipple's clothing and groceries littered the floor.
An officer later testified that Whipple was on her stomach in the hallway, trying to crawl to her apartment. The officer told her to remain still, that an ambulance was on the way, and Whipple seemed to relax. But her breathing and pulse stopped as paramedics arrived.
A court document described the attack as "typical of a predatory animal that mauls the neck of its prey to cut off the air supply."
Fatal dog attacks in the United States are rare. Only about two dozen people are mauled to death each year in a nation with 70 million dogs, said Karen Delise, founder of the National Canine Research Council, which tracks and investigates fatal dog attacks.
Pit bulls and Rottweilers most often top the list of killers, according to various studies, but killer canines have included a Yorkshire terrier, a dachshund, a Labrador retriever, a cocker spaniel and a collie.
Besides Knoller, only two people in the United States have been convicted of murder for killings by dogs. One was a man who ordered a pit bull to attack his girlfriend. Fewer than half of all fatal dog attacks are even prosecuted, according to Randall Lockwood, an expert in the epidemiology of dog attacks.
But Whipple's death incensed San Franciscans, in part because of comments by Knoller and her husband suggesting that Whipple might have been responsible for her demise. Knoller reported that Whipple dallied and gave the dog time to kill, while Noel noted that she might have exuded a pheromone fragrance that crazed the animal.
During the couple's trial, moved to Los Angeles after the judge decided that the defendants could not get a fair hearing in San Francisco, the prosecution tried to show Knoller acted "in conscious disregard" of her dogs' killing nature.
Knoller and Noel acquired the dogs as a favor to a prison inmate, Paul "Cornfed" Schneider, whom they had met in the course of their legal work and later adopted, even though he was an adult.
Schneider was trying to run a business from prison, breeding and selling Presas as guard dogs. He was unhappy with the care Bane and Hera were getting from a woman who was raising them on her farm near Hayfork in Trinity County.
Schneider was particularly displeased to learn that Bane had become friendly with cats and urged the caretaker not to make "wusses" of the dogs. Hera was not a "wuss." She had escaped several times and killed a cat, a sheep, chickens and other animals, according to court records.
Even before Knoller took possession of the dogs, a veterinarian who examined them told her he would be "professionally amiss" if he did not alert her to their menace.
Dr. Donald Martin, who vaccinated the dogs before their transport to San Francisco, wrote Knoller that the dogs were "huge," with "no training or discipline of any sort." They would be "a liability in any household, reminding me of an attack in Tehama County to a boy by large dogs. He lost his arm and disfigured his face."
"The historic romance of the warrior dog, the personal guard dog, the gaming dog and so on may sound good but hardly fits into life today."
Trouble began soon after Hera arrived on April 31, 2000. In June, she bit a man on his rear end in the building lobby, according to later testimony..
In September, after Bane arrived, one of the dogs lunged, teeth bared, at the stomach of a pregnant woman, another witness testified.
Noel also had to be hospitalized after Bane bit his hand in a dogfight. A piece of literature in the couple's apartment said that police used Presas to disable pit bulls.
Knoller testified that she had tried her best to save Whipple, even getting between her and the dogs.
There was no evidence at trial that either dog had killed before, that any dog of the Presa Canario breed had ever killed a person or that a dog of any breed had killed while being walked by its owner, Riordan said.
Although rare, dogs have killed while on leash or in the presence of an owner, Delise, the researcher on dog attacks, said in an interview. One dog even snatched a baby from a woman's arms. But the prosecution's expert testified he had never heard of such a killing. The presence of an owner was usually enough to deter an attack, he said.
"Knoller had no conceivable motive to decide to take her dog for a walk knowing and not caring that someone was likely to die by the time she returned to her apartment to cook dinner," Riordan said.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Husband Store
The Husband Store
[Courtesy of Miss J. She's one big hearted lady!]
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
*********
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
*********
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
*********
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
*********
Floor 6 - You are visitor 49,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
*********
[Courtesy of Miss J. She's one big hearted lady!]
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
*********
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
*********
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
*********
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
*********
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
*********
Floor 6 - You are visitor 49,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
*********
Kids' Talk
Kids' Talk
[Courtesy of J.]
1. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
2. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
2. A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
6. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE . God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
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