悲剧...

...女人: 空前绝后。

買內衣

有一天一位先生去幫他太太買內衣，因為他從來沒有幫他太太買過內衣，所以他不知道要買哪一種size！
跟店員扯了半天，店員只好拿水果來形容了！
店員：木瓜？！
先生：no！no！
店員：蘋果？！
先生：不不不！
店員：蓮霧？！
先生:再小一點！
店員：雞蛋？！
先生很高興的說：對！對！對！
當店員瞭解後轉身去拿內衣時，那位突然大叫：小姐等一下！是煎過的。

...后嗣: 前途无亮

父亲查看儿子英语课本,结果昏死
ｙｅｓ－爺死
ｎｉｃｅ－奶死
ｂｕｓ－爸死
ｍｏｕｔｈ－媽死
ｊｅｅｐｓ－姐死
ｇｉｒｌｓ－哥死
ｗａｓ－我死
kｉｓｓ－ 氣死！
ｄｏｅｓ － 都死！

...男人: 精益求精

老謝的醫院新開幕，老王決定去道賀。
踏進門，王先生就對護士小姐說：「我找謝...」
話未說完，護士小姐大叫說：「你早洩？有沒有搞錯？這兒是皮膚科...」

...人生: 回头是暗

心靜自然涼
國小二年丙班上自然課，老師問：「誰知道為什麼人死後身體會冷冰冰的？」
全班都沒人回答…
老師：「都沒人知道嗎？」
這時，教室後面有人說：「心靜自然涼…」

...夫妻: 同床异梦

妻子說：親愛的，我不要你到月台送我，因為我怕你難過，而且還要花二塊錢買。
丈夫笑著說：沒有關係，只花二塊錢就能把你送走，太值得了。

Don't watch this if you cannot laugh out loud!

You might get internal injuries from not laughing.

New Product!

 

More info.

Badly written songs or poor singers

Some times, I don't blame her.



I mean, when song writers write songs, they should think about audience perception. Not everyone has the lyrics to the songs and not all singers can sing clearly.

For the longest time, I thought the chorus for Irreplaceable begins with "You must run over me, you must run over me..." and



All the Single Ladies began with "All the single legs, all the single legs..."

I'm not against singers showing off their vocal prowess or song writers trying to show off, but there is a limit to how many syllables can be shoved into a single hemidemisemiquaver note.

In Chinese songs, however, there are songs where the meanings get distorted. For instance,



has its lyrics been spoofed. It used to mean "Love's Anthem" and the new title is "Brother Piggy's Love". This spoof is not without history. Piggy, in Journey to the West (aka Monkey King), used to be a lascivious general in Heaven. He was banished to earth as a pig headed creature for running afoul with Heavenly Laws.

Of course, Jay Chou, with his garbled singing style, has had many of his songs turned R- or X-rated.









The ordinary (wo)man's perverted mind cannot be underestimated. But with all things, there must exist suitable impetus to spur the thoughts. The various poorly written songs and poorly executed songs have definitely played a large role in this.

We of course shall exclude intentionally perverted songs such as "The Horny Goatherd" from this discussion as that is a different story.

China Stakes Claim on Santa

Lavender Food Court, SINGAPORE - A China-born Singapore-based foreign talent explains today the genesis of Santa Claus.

According to the Chinese legend, "Sheng Dan Lao Ren", or old man Santa as we know him today, was a homeless old man in China who was so overcome by the cold one winter that every thing on him shrank, except (his) "eggs" (sheng dan).

- Fishy Slippery (Xin Hua) News Agency

Waning: Elicit Contend

What's there not to laugh about?

Some cute naming blunders.

What's wrong?

Another exam season and another big hullalaboo about teachers posting students' bloopers on the teachers' webpages for public entertainment. What's wrong with this, as long as the teacher does not single out the student? After all, these are the usual bloopers we see year in year out. And didn't we most enjoy the NG sequences at the end of each movie? Why do we have double standards here?

I mean, anyone could have written "My grandmother was diagnosed with cologne cancer." And what's wrong with that? A spelling mistake is a spelling mistake. Some of these boo-boos actually become actual materials, which are used for teaching future teachers.

Some times, how you speak is how you write. That's why apart from small eyes and a flat nose, a man can have a "pork belly". If anything at all, teachers can reflect if they had been unclear or sloppy in speech. After all, many students spell by approximating perceived sounds. This is especially evident in how a student tried to learn how to "trap water."

Some times, the students themselves are at fault. That was also why for the longest time when I was teaching English, I had compositions that went, "Human beans are...," despite my constant reminding that it is "beings." Some students simply take a much longer time to learn, I guess.

And my then-principal, who speaks with a perceptible lisp since she had come from a foreign land, gave me even more grief when her "in another words" got repeated ad naseum in my students' writing, as they "learly" (another one of her mispronunciations) thought what she said was right. It took me long battles and many bouts of unofficial speech belittling to get the students back on track.

I still remember one particularly dense student who kept writing Emerald Teo for Admiral Teo because that particular cohort of kids was doing The Wizard of Oz for literature. She simply could not tell the difference between the rank and the rock. So homonyms often become a source of jokes in themselves. How else can you explain how one can get "cologne cancer"? Ok, granted that using too much artificial fragrances could land you in such trouble, but unless you are one of those super-duper well to do rich tai tais whose main aim is to outsmell the roses, how can anyone be so bedevilled?

Idiosyncratic phrasal verbs are another area where mistakes can be plentiful. The unknowing child could easily end up writing "night has fallen and the lamp posts are turned on..." Linguistic nuances are often lost on non-native speakers. This is similar to how the oddity of "is" vs "have" in French: "Je suis chaud" (literally: I am hot) and "j'ai chaud" (I have hot) respectively mean "I am horny" and "I am hot" in French.

Man, why wouldn't people face it that the best way to learn is to make the mistake, face the ignominy of it and put in the effort to correct it?

Singapore Women Climb Everest with Phones!

Bathos

A spanner in their friendship... Who would have thought!

Freshmen Write the Darnest Things (1)

Was grading a paper earlier today. Student was arguing for the importance of randomized controlled trials and the golden standard, the double blinded trials. It would be amazing if anything can be obtained in a double blinded, though the double blind trial is indeed a golden standard.

Oops.

Inauspicious Homonyms

We often say auspicious words to friends and family members when we go visiting during the Chinese New Year. But the financial tsunami has led to a perversion of some terms because of homonymity. Some are really hilarious. Here's some for your reading pleasure.

财源滚滚(裁员滚滚) [cai2 yuan2 gun3 gun3]
Overflowing with riches. (Meaning of homonym: Fervent retrenchments)

招财进宝(遭裁禁饱) [zhao1 cai2 jing4 bao3]
Attracting riches and pocketing treasures (Got retrenched; can't eat till I'm full [not enough food])

万事如意(万市如忆) [wan4 shi4 ru2 yi4]
Everything will be as you wish (All [booming financial] markets are only in your memory)

心想事成(薪饷四成) [xin1 xiang3 shi4 cheng2]
Your heart's wishes (Pay is cut to 40%)

鸿图大展(红屠大斩) [hong2 tu2 da4 zhan3]
Opportunities to flaunt your ambition (A bloody massacre)

财源广进(裁员广尽) [cai2 yuan2 guang3 jing4]
Getting vast riches and treasures (Retrench to the last person)

Now do you know why many Chinese have banned these terms for this Lunar New Year?

Some cheer

Some of the most hilarious extra marital affairs

1. A woman was making out with her lover when she heard her husband return. "Quick! Into the corner and don't move!" The woman slathered her lover with baby oil and pasted thick plaster powder over him. "Stand there and pretend you're a statue," she whispered.

When her husband walked in, he put down his bags and asked what the "thing" was. "Oh, just a statue. The Adams have one and I thought it was quite pretty. So I got one for us to." The man left the matter as that.

That night, when the wife was fast asleep, the man woke up at 2 am and made a sandwich and took a glass of milk to the statue and told him, "There. Have something to eat and drink. Don't be like me. I was starving for three days when I was made to act like one at the Adams."

2. A man and his wife were both having affairs and so they were often not spending their nights together. One night, both were home and felt apologetic for their actions. After a bout of passionate making out, they both went to bed. At 2 am, the wife suddenly sat up in bed and shouted in her sleep, "Quick, out of the window! My husband's back!" Upon hearing this, the husband immediately grabbed his clothes and jumped out of the window.

3. In a backward seaside village, the male villagers often had to go out to sea to fish and were rarely at home. The female villagers were mostly having affairs with the men who were not back. After each tryst, they would go to the village pastor to confess to their sins and ask for forgiveness. After hearing the word "affair" for umpteen times, the pastor decided to Bowdlerize their sessions by having the women use the term "fall down" instead. So the confessions were less lurid.

After many years, the old pastor retired and handed over his duties to a newcomer. Before he left, he asked the village headman to convey the meaning of "fall down" to the new pastor. Unfortunately, the headman forgot.

One fine day, the pastor approached the headman and asked that a new road be built. He explained that apparently, many women had "fallen down". The headman started laughing when he realised his omission. Just then, the pastor asked rather agitatedly, "What's so funny, Headman? Don't you know your wife has "fallen down" three times last week?"

4. Rick died and was due to be cremated. When his body was checked, the undertaker found that he had the longest dick he had ever seen and decided to keep the organ for posterity. Mouthing his apologies to the already dead Rick, the undertaker explained that the tool should be kept so that Rick's descendants had something to remember him for.

That night, Rick went home and carefully unwrapped his precious cargo, telling his wife that she would be seeing something she would not have seen in her entire life. When the package was opened, the wife gasped, "Oh my god! Is Rick dead already?"

5. After trying many many times to get a son after having two daughters, a couple finally succeeded in getting one. It was a long process and when the child was born, the man was flabbergasted. "Wife," he said, "that is the ugliest baby boy I've seen. Are you sure you didn't have him with another man?" The wife looked lovingly at him and replied sweetly, "Not this time, dear. This one is really with you."

6. On his death bed, Jack looked at Jean as he tried to speak with her. "My dear Jean...," Jack began. "You're tired. Go to sleep." Jean replied. "No, I don't have much time any more. I need to confess some things to you." Jack struggled. "You don't have to. You're tired. Have some rest." Jean comforted him. "No, I really need to do it. I want to die peacefully. Jean, I've slept with your sister, your best friend and your friends." Jack whispered. In a hushed voice, Jean replied, "I know, dear. That's why I poisoned you."

Getting work done in Grad School

Happen to chance upon this little article called Academic Tipping Guidelines and it was funny.

I wonder if the folks would take Al's cookies for tips. On hindsight, maybe not. He'll poison them and I'll be stuck in grad school.

Maybe I'll use Stern's Blue Bell ice-cream. But do they use Imported-From-China, melamine-laced milk?

Hell, what am I to do? Oh, I'll use those Lehman notes from Shade. I'm sure those will work.

Lost in Translation

Picked up the book in the library and since we are at the topic of bad writing...

Hotel notices often provide lots of gaffes.

Notice in Seoul Hotel:
Choose twin bed or marriage size; we regret no King Kong size.

In an Italian hotel, signs by the bell:
If service is required, give two strokes to the maid and three to the waiter.
It is kindly requested from our guests that they avoid dirting and doing rumours in the rooms.
Hot and cold water running up and down the stairs.

Notice by a phone, Amsterdam, the Netherlands:
Telephone instructions can be found on the backside.

Guangdong, China:
We serve you with hostiality.

Hotel rate card in Chiang Mai, Thailand:
Extra Bad - 150 baht.

Serbia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straightaway.

Japan:
Depositing the room key into another person is prohibited.

How do you know hotels are really fire-safe?

London, UK:
All fire extinguishers must be examined at least five days before any fire.

Other than the hotels, road signs and driving instructions can leave you in stitches too.

In a Japanese taxi:
Safety first.
Please put on your seatbelt.
Prepare for accident.

Solvent sold in Finland for unfreezing car locks:
Super piss.

At a motoring event on the French Riviera:
Competitors will defile themselves on the promenade at 11 a.m., and each car will have two drivers who will relieve themselves at each other's convenience.

Sticker on the windscreen of Japanese sports car:
OFFRIMITS

Indeed, the difficulty of the language seems to have made many of these signs off limits to the ordinary reader.

In the officer of a doctor in Rome, Italy:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

On a Taiwanese shampoo:
Use repeatedly for severe damage.

German skin cream:
Cream Shower for pretentious skin.

Restaurants have some interesting food too:

Greek menu:
Spleen omelet, fisherman's crap soup, calf pluck, bowels.

Dessert in Japan:
Strawberry crap.

And in Europe:
Sweat from the trolley.

Some after dinner drinks?

India:
Our establishments serves tea in a bag like mother.

But many times, such fun is not restricted to food:

Paris, France:
We serve five o'clock tea at all hours.

Tokyo, Japan:
Please do not bring outside food excluding children under five.

Picture captions, signs and brochures can also be cause for tragedy.

Of a London Routemaster Bus:
Double dicker.

On a Vietnamese boat:
Nobody is allowed to site on both sides of the boat.

On a Japanese tourist brochure:
Shitseeing Bus Stop.

There are some odds and ends which take the cake:

Notes of meeting in the European Commission:
The chairman called the meeting to order and asked if there were any matters to discuss under the table.

In a Hong Kong store, advertising a final clearance:
Anal Clearance

... in Japan:
Beat the price off!

Separately, some personal issues can take centrestage with hilarious effects:

Oklahoma Cirt, USA:
No dumping - trespassers will be violated.

Financial institution in Detroit, USA:
Ask about our plans for owning your home.

And why would anyone name buildings like the Thais:
TIT Tower and PMT Mansions

Japanese graffiti:
FACK YOU MAN

Some CV mishaps:
My intensity and focusare at inordinately high levels and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.

Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.

I am a rabid typist.

Personal interests: Donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.

Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.

Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

Let's meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.

Finally, allow me to invite you to the resort at Iguaco Falls on the border between Argentina and Paraguay to chill:
We offer you peace and seclusion. The paths to our resort are only passably by asses. Therefore, you will certainly feel at home here.

Don't forget to carry your pork handbag (Jordan) and I'll wait for you in the restaurant and bra (China) over a piping hot plate of Indonesian Nazi Goreng (HK) and a bowl of muscles of marines (Egypt). We'll pass the wine for our wine list leaves you nothing to hope for (Madrid). To make up, I'll get you the highly recommended hotel tart (Torremolinos).

Ta!

Poor Muthu

There is absolutely no malice in printing this. We could change Muthu to Ah Seng, Ahmad or Jonny and all will still work!

Enjoy.

*****

MUTHU & THE INTERVIEWER*

Interviewer: 'What is your birth date?'
Muthu : '13th October.'
Interviewer : 'Which year?'
Muthu : 'Every year.'
*****

*MUTHU & HIS MANAGER*

The Manager asked Muthu at an interview... .
'Can you spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?'
Muthu replied: 'P-O-S-T-B-O- X.'
*****
*MUTHU & LONDON TRIP*
After returning from a foreign trip, Muthu asked his wife, 'Do I look like a foreigner?'
Wife: 'No! Why?'
Muthu : 'In London , a lady asked me, 'Are you a foreigner?'. . that's why.'
Wife : ?????????
*****

*MUTHU & TOURIST*
A tourist from U.S.A. Asked Muthu whether any great man was born in his village...
Muthu said, 'No sir, only babies were born here.'
*****

*MUTHU & HIS EXPERIMENT*
Muthu was doing an experiment with a cockroach. First he cut off one leg and told it to 'WALK! WALK!'
The cockroach walked. Then he cut off it's second leg and told the same. The cockroach walked.
Then he cut off the third leg and did the same.
Finally, he cut off its fourth leg and ordered it walk!
But the cockroach didn't walk.
Suddenly, Muthu said loudly, 'I found it. If we cut a cockroach's four legs, it becomes deaf.'
*****

*MUTHU & DRIVER*
When Muthu was travelling with his wife in a motorised tricycle, the driver adjusted the mirror.
Muthu shouted, 'You are trying to see my wife, he? Sit in the back. I will drive.'
*****

*MUTHU GOES TO HOTEL*
Muthu went into a hotel. To wash his hands, he went to the washbasin.
Then when he had finished, he started washing the basin.
Seeing this, the manager asked what was he doing.
Muthu pointed towards the signboard

'* WASH BASIN * '
*****

*MUTHU & INTERVIEWER - FINAL PART*
Interviewer : 'Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?'
Muthu: 'It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination. '
*****

*Oh... Lastly.... I forgot ............ The funniest...*

At a political rally, Muthu was arrested. Why?
Because a lady journalist with a badge which read '*PRESS*' pinned on the right part of her blouse walked past him... And he did it!

Verbs used in proofs

CLEARLY: I don't want to write down all the "in-between" steps.

TRIVIAL: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.

OBVIOUSLY: I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.

RECALL: I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for those of you who erase your memory tapes after every test...

WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality): I'm not about to do all the possible cases, so I'll do one and let you figure out the rest.

IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN: Even you, in your finite wisdom, should be able to prove this without me holding your hand.

CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.

SKETCH OF A PROOF: I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll break it down into the parts I couldn't prove.

HINT: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.

BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE): Four special cases, three counting arguments, two long inductions, "and a partridge in e."

SOFT PROOF: One third less filling (of the page) than your regular proof, but it requires two extra years of course work just to the terms.

ELEGANT PROOF: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.

SIMILARLY: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.

BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: I don't remember how it goes (come to think of it I'm not really sure we did this at all), but if I'm right, then the rest of this follows.

TWO LINE PROOF: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.

BRIEFLY: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.

LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: I don't want to write it on the board lest I make a mistake.

PROCEED FORMALLY: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning (popular in pure math).

PROOF OMITTED: Trust me, It's true.

Obituary of the Pillsbury Doughboy

Dear Friends,

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon -- the veteran Pillsbury spokesman.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours.

As longtime friend, Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again. But alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

The Tickle Me Elmo Story

This allegedly took place in a factory in the USA which manufactured the 'Tickle Me Elmo' toys, (a children's plush cuddly toy which laughs when tickled under the arm). The legend has is it that a new employee was hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she duly reported for her first day's induction training, prior to being allocated a job on the production line.

At 08:45 the next day the personnel manager received a visit from an excited assembly line foreman who was not best pleased about the performance of the new recruit. The foreman explained that she was far too slow, and that she was causing the entire line to back-up, delaying the whole production schedule. The personnel manager asked to see what was happening, so both men proceeded to the factory floor.

On arrival they saw that the line was indeed badly backed-up - there were hundreds of Tickle Me Elmos strewn all over the factory floor, and they were still piling up. Virtually buried in a mountain of toys sat the new employee earnestly focused on her work. She had a roll of red plush fabric and a bag of marbles. The two men watched amazed as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around a pair of marbles and carefully began sewing the little package between Elmo's legs. The personnel manager began to laugh, and it was some while before he could compose himself, at which he approached the trainee.

"I'm sorry," he said to her, not able to disguise his amusement, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.... Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

Gone Crazy

I was about to go to bed and then this!










I've got to stop. Or I'll just be posting the whole YouTube here!