Good jokes for adults

Good jokes for adults

I dedicate these to Old Whig and "Therapy Sessions". They have equally bent minds, from what I read in their blogs. Enjoy!

# 1
Husband climbs on the bed naked.
Wife: I have a headache.
Husband: Good! I have powdered it with aspirin. U want to take it orally or as an injection.

# 2
Three fastest means of communication:
1. Telephone
2. Television
3. Tell-a-woman

# 3
One day, DUREX complained to KOTEX: " Every time u work, I gotta 7 days off!"
KOTEX retorted: "Whenever u make a mistake during work, I gotta take 9 months leave".

# 4
A man called his 4th wife - Baby doll,
3rd wife - China doll,
2nd wife - Barbie doll &
1st wife - Guess What ?
- Panadol

# 5
Man admiring his naked body in the mirror says to wife:
"Look at that 75 kg of pure dynamite".
Wife replies: "It is a shame though about the 2 inches fuse".

# 6
Friends are like underwear, always near you.
Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you.
Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down.

# 7
Man tell MP:
My son's a drug addict, my daughter's a prostitute, and my wife's a gambler.
MP: Isn't there anything positive in your family?
Man: Yes, I am HIV positive.

# 8
What is common between a wife and a private swimming pool??
Answer: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them!!!

# 9
Naked girl boarded a taxi. Driver stared.
Girl scolded him, "Never seen a naked girl before?
Driver replied "Yes! Seen many before but wondering where you keep your money to pay taxi fare."

Pakistan Quake

Is it so hard to live together?

Forcibly divided by man
Compellingly reunited by nature
Incendiary flames brightened the yesteryears
Darkness pervades the hearts, minds and souls

Kashmir
An area in southwestern Asia whose sovereignty is disputed between Pakistan and India
Kashmir
Sanskrit name for a girl
Kashmir
A Paradise turned into Hell by Terrorists
Kashmir
Paradise lost

"We are Kashmiris!"
Strong nationalistic pride
Transcends the claims of both sides
Custody being fought in (law) courts and (war) theatres
Yet should not the land rightfully belong to the people living on it?

A devastating catastrophe
A chilly divorce that brought the two estranged lands closer together
In sadness, sorrow and loss
does it now matter if they are mine or yours?
A generation wagered and unexpectedly lost

We go by but don't expect us to go at it together
The rifts in the hearts are too narrow to let pass
in the open are too deep to mend
The world sees and helplessly twists its hands

Some hands appear to clear the rubble
Food that fills the stomach for now
Some cold comfort from the tents
But hands go and then, what grows?

Then the land settles
The growing mass graves
The never-ending sorrow of being together, yet apart
When can we let Kashmir be one
Be alone and free?
When will the day be?
Will it ever come?

No one ever knows, I guess
Kashmir is weary and needs some rest
In quiet solitude perhaps the best medicine
Is deep reflection of a tumultous past

Memories rust but the tongues still speak
"Kashmir is mine, not yours..." they shriek
In the face of disaster now
Whose?

We will we will...

We will we will...

Rock You I

Bali got blasted by terrorists again.

Rock You II

Bloggers jailed.

Rock you III

South Asia Earthquake.

It's not your fault that you're born ugly

It's not your fault that you're born ugly

There is this Chinese Blogger by the name of Furong Jiejie (Furong = Hibiscus, Jiejie = Sister). Saw her blog when I was reading Mr Brown's blog. There was this link to a song called Furong Jiefu (Sister Hibiscus' Husband) by a blogger of the same moniker.

After watching the flash, I decided to take a look at Sister Hibiscus' blog.

I guess it's best for those who are proficient in the Chinese Language to see for themselves. The rest can really opt not to know about the contents, except that the accompanying graphics for the song is a good summary of Hibiscus.

My main takeaway from the entire episode? The wonderful insult hurled at Hibiscus:

It's not your fault that you're born ugly. But coming out to scare others, that's not right.

Bali Blasts

Bali Blasts

Been some time that I blogged seriously. I just got too busy and too caught up with work to blog. During my little hiatus, Bali got bombed again.

Recall after that 2002 blast that rocked Bali, I visited it in Dec. Just a few months after the bomb. Even went to Kuta, and the site of the bomb blast. It was a disappointing sight. Nothing big deal.

What was I feeling then?

What was I supposed to feel?

We are all prisoners of our own device...

The Eagles have aptly summarised everything in one neat line in Hotel California.

I just went past the blast site and went, "Eh? So clean ah? No blood stains...?" Human nature? Inhuman nature? Who can tell?

In the face of irrationality, what is rational? Just ask the survivors and the plunderers of Hurricane Katrine.

I still recall after the Bali Blast 3 years ago, when I was in Bali, many of us were trying to get a good bargain when shopping. When we bargained, the vendors actually said, "Fuck you!" My friends and I walked away and felt two things.

One, the pride of this community is amazing. Two, someone's coming to fuck you again.

True enough, it happened in 2005.

I hope Bali can pick itself up again. I know it can. Singapore Airlines has said that they will not cease flights into Denpasar (Bali).

We are toughening up against irrational terrorists attack. And it seems like we have understood, finally, that in this long pursuit to eradicate terrorism, collateral damage is inevitable. (And if I might add for all my wonderful readers out there, as long as it's not in my backyard.)

How evil?

Wonder if you have ever ...

walked past a plump, slutty little girl and have the uncontrollable urge to call her a fat pig?

walked past a coquettish little slut and have the uncontrollable urge to slap her bloody cheeks?

heard the persistent, high-pitched attention-seeking cries of a little child and wish you could have shoved your socks (or whatever you desire) into the brat's mouth to shut it up?

wished you could just stand in the way of a meandering boy whose attention is in whatever he is doing and not on the road ahead, and then let him slam into your thighs and fall backwards?

desired to walk into little kids dashing all about at the shopping malls and send them flying?

felt that some kids were better off aborted than given birth to?

thought that some couples ought never to have become parents?

thought that some people ought to have been sterilised at birth?

Molest

Molest

Read Chua Mui Hoong's column in the Sunday Times today. She narrated her brush with a molester, who grabbed her breasts when she moved over to collect some monies when working as a cashier. The molester eventually went scot free.

I'm very furious after reading it. It's not right to molest someone, anyone. It's a crime and should be punished. Although it's a less culpable crime as compared to rape, a molester causes his or her victim to feel threatened, even in a safe environment. This is not right and should never be condoned.

If we punish people fondling or pleasuring himself or herself in public, which DOES NOT cause any harm to a third party at all, then we should seriously consider punishing molesters severely.

We don't have to jail them but perhaps we can start by caning them? Or administering instant electric shocks in hospitals after they are caught and found guilty. Something quick and effective must be done.

James Bond's Revenge

Pretty Woman's Husband's Revenge

Act 1 Scene 1

Little girl sees dove flies across the sky. She remembers that her brother is going away.

Act 1 Scene 2

Little girl runs like mad to release some birds. On the way, she knocked over a hawker who's oranges fell all over.

Hawker: Aiyoyoh! Vai you knock my oranges all over, deh?

Little girl glances back and pretends not to understand.

Act 1 Scene 3

Little girl knocks over bamboos. Luckily this time, the bamboo hawker was not around or the credit card company will have to pay an additional few million dollars in advertising time.

Act 2 Scene 1

Little girl knocks into Pretty Woman's Husband, who's travelling with his guide. Little girl pretends that she's innocent and stopped by the bird hawker.

Pretty Woman's Husband (in his heart): -Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!- Blind ah!?

Of course, being so famous, must keep that smile on the face and act cool.

Girl: Five birds. My brother is going away today and I want to bring him good luck.

Little girl passes the money to Bird Hawker. Bird Hawker looks at the money he received.

Bird Hawker: You only have enough for one bird. (Ok, don't think dirty here!)

Girl (shaking her head): Ok.

Little girl grabs a cage with a dove inside and ran.

Act 3

Pretty Woman's Husband looks at Little girl running off and a brilliant idea comes to his mind. Taking out his wonderful credit card, he passes it to the bird hawker and winks. The bird hawker nods knowingly.

Act 4

Pretty Woman's Husband and bird hawkers brought cages and cages of birds and arrive by the sea side. They release the birds.

Pretty Woman's Husband (in his heart): -Beep!- You knock into me and still so yah yah papaya. -Beep! Beep! Beep!- What the -Beep! Beep!- Watch out ah! I bet all my birds on your bird that your wish will not come true.

[A friend provided an alternative, which is a pun on some credit cards which are meant only for the fairer sex.

Pretty Woman's Husband: The bitch do(es)n't get it.]

As though there is telepathy, Little girl looks accusingly at Pretty Woman's Husband, although she tries to look innocent at the same time.

Pretty Woman's Husband immediately shrugs his sholder and the hawkers shake their heads.

THE END

Mid Autumn Festival

Mid Autumn Festival

Sunday was MAF. Wonder who ate mooncakes, who ate pomeloes, who carried laterns and strolled in the gardens.

MAF was meant to be a day where the family comes together. Quite similar to a second reunion for the family, the first being the eve of Chinese New Year.

A modern population means that more and more of such traditions and customs are getting forgotten. Need to think about how to preserve our culture and traditions.

Tea Jelly

Tea Jelly

Bought the jelly powder on my way home. Impulse buy. Was actually buying butter for making bread as I've run out of butter.

Came home with ever intention of making jelly using my special brew of Chinese tea.

And mum had to just throw away the tea leaves. She probably felt they were too long on the shelves and decided to get rid of them between the last time I saw them and the last time I thought I saw them (and therefore assumed they were still around).

Scoured the house. Found a packet of leaves. Tasted like Japanese green tea. Would've been great but what if they turned out to be seaweed instead?

Heck. Just use the remainder English tea leaves from god knows where. Took 40 grams of tea, infused them in hot water, add the konjac jelly powder, bring to a boil, VOILA. Tea jelly.

English Garden Tea Flavour. Slight tart smelling, sweet, soft wobbly jelly. Feels like my tummy.

Chilling them now in the fridge. I'm going to make 2 people very happy tomorrow when they get my jelly.

Blind Bitch

Blind Bitch

Can't stand properly on the MRT train.

Won't hold the railings or the handles to stay stable.

Kept stepping on my foot and pretending that nothing happened.

Hope she knocks down a car when she crosses the road.

New board game

New board game

Well, someone had to do it. Someone thought of a new board game to "represent the blogging community in Singapore".

Whatever that means. I'm only interested to steer clear, stay clean and have a good time.

What does your birthday mean to you?

What does your birthday mean to you?

Was approached while waiting for someone at the Redhill MRT station today. Two guys from a particular institute's Film and Media department were filming and they asked me to do a short TV interview as to what my birthday means to me.

I was in the midst of a record breaking attempt for Nature Park in my Nokia 3120. So I politely turned them down.

So they turned to this girl from China and she requested that they interviewed her in Chinese. To the question, she replied, "My birthday is actually my mother's most painful day in her life. She had to endure a lot of pain and suffering to bring me into this world." To the question "How do you celebrate your birthday?", she answered, "We don't have over the top celebrations. It's a simple celebration, to life."

Frankly, I was impressed. I would have said the same. But the words coming out of a well-mannered Chinese girl will be so different from this burly guy.

Then a bunch of screaming girls came by. They verbally sniped at each other because no one wants to be interviewed, yet they wanted to sabotage a friend into being interviewed. So the youngest in the group was questioned.

"Oh, my birthday is the day I come to the world. It's significant because I was born."

"Celebrations? Oh, when we were younger, we had barbeques, parties, lots of food. Now we're older, there's a bit less. I go out with my friends."

Such a stark contrast.

Have we lost our ability to appreciate our presence being the outcome of someone's suffering? Have we even forgotten that we have not conquered the world for ourselves; the world merely tolerates our existence!

This is so sad.

As an educator, I think there's more to be done.

A little joke

A little joke

(Those who are familiar with Chinese Taoist culture and temple mediums might like this.)

Did you hear the Cirque Du Soleil laid off a bunch of temple mediums? They could not Quidam.

Consumed

Consumed

I

Fiery streaks flare
Still emotions stir
Equamnity deserts the sensible head

II

Heartbeat races
Pressure raises
Senseless paces
Explosive spaces

III

The angry line of red fills
the emotionless void
Dense fumes of volatile liquid permeate
the still air
Wisps of smoke waft up
the peaceful pieces
Flashpoint!
Charred remains welcome
the deadened soul

IV

Twitches
Contorted faces
Restless fidgeting hands
Build-up of pent-up pressure
Boiling lava courses through dilated veins
Trigger
Point

V

A crack
The incessant murmurs of disapproval and dissent hang irritatingly
elongates
Voices of contradiction and interruption accuse maliciously
Other cracks
Piteous sounds of pleading ignored deafeningly
develop
Shouts of disagreements and accusations reverberate infinitely
Structure
Cacophonous din of holier-than-thou to's and fro's
explodes

VI

Like yeast in a small ball of dough
It grows
Tripling in size
Killed by high heat

Feng Shui?

Feng Shui?

Bukit Panjang Plaza must have been stricken with the stupidity curse today. Read the following entries and see if it's true. All entries, except Morons? and Perverted Theory took place in BPP.

Blindness

Blindness

At first, I saw her. The cashier was at her station, though there was no line waiting to pay.

Then I went to look around and picked up some mooncakes.

I went back to the same cashier station and there was no one there. And there were two others in front of me.

There was nothing at the station to say that it was closed. So we waited.

Then my friend said, "Eh, there's another cashier there."

I quickly made my move there.

But it's weird that the organisers of the podium sale did not think they needed to have signs to tell us where the cashiers are located, especially when they closed a station.

What lack of foresight.

Foolishness

Foolishness

You invite me to taste the mooncakes you are promoting.

Your income depends on my buying the mooncakes.

I take a small sliver, flatten it with my tongue and out oozed the lard used to make the filling of the mooncake smooth.

I commented, "Wah! So oily."

She replied, "Aiyon! You know how to eat mooncake or not? Must be oily then nice. Oilier, better."

I think, "Foolish woman. I'm already dying under my layers of fats..."

But I said, "Thank you. Not my taste." And I look for a dustbin to spit out the viscuous morsel.

Group Stupidity

Group Stupidity

You're a group of 5 persons in a food court waiting for seats.

You find 4 seats at one end on a table for 12. Two of you sit down and wait for the family occupying the middle 5 seats to clear.

Then some seats are cleared as the members who had finished their dinner vacates the table.

So, you carry on to linger at your seats without making any move to occupy the table.

Then someone comes along and, leaving the four seats that you've occupied, sits in the seats in the middle.

Now, you're stuck with 4 seats for 5 persons again. And you look at one another.

Retards

Retards

A family was going down the travellator from B1 to B2. (Travellators are different from escalators as instead of steps, they have a moving flat sloping surface.)

To act as though she's very smart, elder sister started to walk backwards on the travellator. Younger sister immediately followed suit. So as their parents go further down the moving slope, elder sister tried to defy the travellator's motion.

Just then, I stepped on and she nearly knocked into me. I immediately went, "OI!"

She got a shock, quickly moved forward, and her father scolded her.

She looked back and I shot her a rude glare.

She has the making of a slut - when her husband scolds her, she'll seek her extra-marital boyfriend for comfort.