How I Intend to Win Miss Universe

Tongue-in-cheek entry. Not to be taken seriously.

Controversy controversy controversy. Miss Universe 2007 is fraught with controversies, ranging from a bald Miss Tanzania, a slipped-and-fallen Miss USA, Miss Brazil's politically incorrect dress to Miss Sweden withdrawal. To top it all off, Japan contestant who won Miss Universe had tiara fall off.

So Mr Trump's show does not look that good this year indeed. Must have been a bad year for him even though he won the hair match at WWE. So, how do I intend to win Miss Universe?

Simple.

Step number 1.
Go for extreme makeover. After extensive liposuction and lipid re-allocation, I should be able to pull of a Pamela Anderson 46F - 18 - 36 figure. I'm sure I'll be the one that every one looks at and sigh.

Of course, the 18 inch waist needs maintenance. So the food will have to give.

Step number 2.
Go for laser hair removal. How can a hairy ape win Miss Universe? Enough said.

Step number 3.
Dermal abrasion and skin smoothening. This is important as the skin must look lusciously translucent if I want any hope of crushing the competition at all. The judges must think that if they blow on my delicate skin, the skin will just break open, like some well-made soup dumpling.

Step number 4.
Laser whitening. SKII whitening will not be enough. I am no Sammi Cheng. And I really don't want to risk looking like her after her SKII frolic. Her face was swollen, as though she had frog-faced emphysema. My clear skin must look real. The blemishes must be removed, like weeds uprooted! Spare no effort.

Step number 5.
Hair implants. I can't do a Miss Tanzania. It's been done before and is no longer original. But I've got the perfect idea for my new crowning glory. There will be black, red, auburn, brown, and blond hair mixed for transplant. And I'll have all colours of hair. This way, choosing me would be but a natural conclusion because all races are represented on my head. Of course, I'll bring along Singapore's favourite son David Gan to help me with my hair when I'm at the contest! Maybe after that, he can bring me to shop at Prada and Gucci and LV.

Step number 6.
Make sure the swimsuit fits like a glove. It must look as though it has been designed with the perfect Miss Universe in mind.

Step number 7.
National costume. It will have long tresses which flow but there will be a cheongsum like cut at the side so that I can flaunt my smooth and alluring legs. 6 inch heels are necessary. Anti-skid - think Miss USA. And it will be satiny at the ass area so that it can slide on and off my pert buns with immaculate ease. There will be a swan head attached to the waist area a la Bjork, and the swan's head extends to and rests on my shoulder. My swan will carry an olive branch, signifying peace to the world. Why talk world peace when you can show it? A picture is worth a thousand words, no?

Step number 8.
Night gown segment. Ok, first, look young motherly. Miss Universe must exude some form of mature feminity amidst youthful charm. She must never look as though she is some sex-starved 'ho (thanks, Don Imus!) who can't wait to eat up the little boys leading her down the stage. And then learn to swirl in the night-gown. I think ballroom bootcamp will help.

Step number 9.
Bring underwire to prop up the 46F grapefruits. Or will they be cataloupes? On the actual day, the boobs must look as though they are ready to crack a few walnuts. They must be hard as steel ball bearings but still look soft and welcoming to the eyes. They can't touch them though.

Step number 10.
Having won Miss Body Beautiful, Miss Lovely Hair, Miss Congeniality (hey, that's a given. I'm not called the royal bitch for nothing!), I must clap happily and congratulate the winner for the national costume. Hey, you don't think my shit taste is going to get me anywhere are you? In fact, I'll hug the winner while I penknife a few slits in her dress. How's that for Miss Congeniality?

Step number 11.
Having made the Final 3, one of us will be Miss Universe. The question will be, what do you think is the most important thing Miss Universe must have. The contest is rigged. So this is only to be expected.

My answer: I'll slide off my evening gown showing my swimsuit. Then I'll peel off the bottom part of the bikini. And I'll say, "Miss Universe must have BALLS." Turn around and show the other finalists.

Both finalists would have fainted by now. Who's left but me for Miss Universe?